I have been a bit withdrawn. Overwhelmed by life and emotions and relationships and fear and missing home and feeling isolated and feeling surrounded and unsure and ecstatic and depressed. It has been an unusual and challenging time and a definitive learning curve for me.
Usually when I am feeling confused or upset, I write. I write in my journal and try my best to articulately and honestly express how I am feeling in the hope that I can understand those feelings more and do something to bring the positivity back! However, over the last few months, I could not write. I did not know what to write. The words were gone. I couldn't explain how I was feeling. I did not know how I was feeling but there wasn't a great deal of happiness. (And I wasn't fully aware of that until a close friend commented that over the last few months there had been a 'sadness about me' and that they had been unsure of how to approach me because I kept myself locked away from everyone. This was upsetting. But something I needed to hear.) As much as I don't want to talk about this sadness or dwell on it, I feel it is important to express what happened, for me, so that if I feel that way again, I know how to get out of it. And I understand the effect it has on those around me. Because I really could feel myself becoming increasingly withdrawn and unsatisfied with my life, what I'm doing with it and who I associate with (and it upsets me that I was feeling that way towards people whom I hold in such high regard).
I guess I have just been on massive year-long roller coaster... and I have been having the most important, painful, challenging, educational, emotional experiences I've ever had. The biggest challenge for me is being kind. My housemate Lula often reminds me to 'be kind to myself' and I always find myself ignoring her advice. But my Mum tells me the same thing, she says 'don't castigate yourself, Grace!' I am very hard on myself. And I am also very hard on other people. Too hard. And I think that because of that sometimes I cripple myself. I am so afraid of failure that I won't even let myself try. I expect other people to be as hard on me as I am on myself. But people are very forgiving, and understanding. And encouraging! We all make mistakes, and if we didn't, we would not learn. And, boy I have been learning a lot!
I rely a lot on other people for my happiness. Far too much. (And you might think, it's okay to be happy because of other people. You're quite right. But my happiness cannot and will not be determined by someone else's actions. I want people to add to my happiness. I want to share my happiness with others and I want to be able to let people share their happiness with me - and also their grief and excitement and nervousness and everything.) But I also need to be brave enough to not rely on people, and even more so, not blame other people when I am unhappy.
I am completely, irrationally scared of doing things by myself.. (untrue, you might say - you went overseas to a place you had never been, where you knew no one, had no job, no house, no plan...and have lasted a year and counting). I am capable, but I am still learning, very slowly. In my own time. I have been quietly proud of myself lately - I've had a couple of little victories. For example, I have been going climbing with a friend of mine, and getting quite into it. But I have only been going with him. And feeling a bit like I'm following him around once we're there, relying on him to tell me which climbs to try. So I thought, I can do this myself. I need to be brave and just do it; not analyse it or think about it, just do it. And I did. I went climbing, by myself, for a good 2 hours. I chatted to people there, asked for advice on different climbs and generally had a lovely time. And then I cycled 5 miles home instead of getting the train. I was buzzing when I got home. I used to play so much sport in Australia but it is hard for me to commit to things over here because of my job & also because I want to be free to travel. But I can climb whenever I want, there aren't set times, like playing a football match or doing a weekly class. I've missed being breathless and sweaty and red faced. It is such a satisfying feeling! I'm excited to continue it!
I am also scared of missing out. I hate missing out on events, or missing out on food, or an opportunity to go out. I also hate making plans that fall through and then being too afraid to do things by myself. This in particular has been something I struggled with a lot. I conversed at length with a friend of mine a few months ago about my intense frustration at unreliable people. I got so incredibly worked up. I think she was slightly shocked at how much it upset me. But it came back to me being scared to do anything by myself, and then blaming someone else for my inability to be independent.
The other night I was invited out, and then plans fell through. I suggested to my housemates to go out, messaged a couple of friends, no one was interested. And the more it seemed nothing was going to happen, the more annoyed I got. Then I spontaneously decided to accompany a friend on his cycle to work at midnight! Instead of cycling straight home, I loitered at the seafront, taking it all in. All the partygoers, skate rats, homeless people, musicians... and it brought a smile to my face. It was so nice just to be out of the house. Eventually I decided to head home. I love cycling. I rode along London Road, past the Cowley Club and heard some music that made me want to dance. I stopped and listened. You can't just walk into the Cowley Club. It is all boarded up of a night, and you have to ring a bell to gain entry. I cycled back and forth about 4 times before I finally plucked up the courage to go in... I was rewarded. I went in. I danced. And then a friend of mine turned up and we danced together for a couple of hours. It was such a wonderful night.
So, I am feeling more capable. More brave. I feel more hope and less judgement from the world. I have to remember that people really do want to connect. But we're all afraid. We're all nervous to make that first move. To take that leap and talk to a stranger. Or make eye contact. Or smile. But deep down, we yearn for that connection. I wish we would all be ever-so-slightly more brave.. The world would be a happier place because of it.
I am determined to be more brave. In this modern, technological world, we have to be socially brave. We don't tip our hats to strangers anymore, we don't even say good morning as we walk down the street. We snapchat and instagram and tinder and whatsapp and Facebook.. We're more 'social' than ever, but now we struggle with real human connection. It's time to change that and bring it back. I challenge you (and me) to do that. Let's engage and converse and interact with each other!
Go on. Off you trot.
Buckets of love xxx
Go on. Off you trot.
Buckets of love xxx
