I have been depressed. That doesn't mean that great things haven't been happening to me. That doesn't mean I have not smiled or laughed for the last few months. But my thoughts have been tangled, knotted up with my emotions and logic and the more I fought it, wondering why I was feeling that way, the tighter the knots became. I've had reasons to feel anxious and sad - we all do. Just reading the news gives you reasons to feel shit about the state of the world. Most of us feel completely helpless as individuals. But we can't take on the burden of the world, not by ourselves.
I can't take credit for what I am about to say. My most excellent Mum and my beautiful boy Henry (gosh, they are wise and patient) told me to be kind. I hear this a lot 'be kind...be kind'. Yeah whatever, we should all be nicer to each other, I know that. But we should also be kind to ourselves - and I have heard that a lot too. However, I am not the best at actually being kind to myself especially when I'm feeling down. That is a huge challenge in itself. I'm learning to accept sadness - not deny it - but also not dwell on it and not wallow in it. I'm trying to treat myself with kindness & forgiveness - I'm only human. I think when I'm feeling down there is a process I go through and all the stages are there but I choose when to move on to the next stage. It's not clear cut and I go up and down and backwards before moving forwards.
For me - these are the stages I feel I've gone through over the last few months. (I could draw an incredibly complicated diagram for this - with examples.)
Trigger (This could be one thing, a comment, a bad day or months of struggles.)
Sadness (The initial reaction or a feeling slowly seeping in over a longer period of time.)
Confusion (Why am I sad? What has caused this? Why has it happened to me - it's not fair! Or... i deserve this!)
Worry, self loathing and blame (You worry that you're sad and you dislike yourself for it - you might also dislike other people.)
Realisation (Okay - this is not fun for anybody. Something's gotta give! Sure, some shitty things have happened or maybe still are happening... But you know what, there are always going to be shitty things happening and there are always going to be excellent things happening. You choose the filter in which to see life through.)
Decision ("I feel shit!" - What the hell am I going to do about it?)
Motivation (I'm doing it! I'm making decisions and getting on with things because great things exist and if they don't... then I'll damn well make them exist.)
Levelling (All that sadness and then suddenly: revelation. Don't get worn out by that motivational high... shitty things will happen but take it in your stride.)
Oh goodness - doesn't that just simplify something that is ridiculously complex in an insultingly easy way. Why yes, it does. But no, it is definitely not that easy. Ah, the beauty of hindsight...
And as a little note for myself...
Things that are challenging:
- being far away from my family and friends in Aus
- college, group work, assessments
- money & not being allowed to work
- relationships - its all a big learning curve
- how to fill my time
- learning about life
- having to turn down work
- figuring out who on earth you are
Things to be grateful for:
- my family and friends, despite the distance
- Henry & his loving, welcoming family
- friends!
- college, group work, assessments - learning!
- money & not being allowed to work (but now I have time to volunteer)
- relationships - its all a big learning curve but I wouldn't change it for the world
- how to fill my time (now I'm going to stop talking about learning the ukulele & playing volleyball & just do it!)
- learning about life - wooooooaaaaahhh, what a crazy ride!
Oh...okay. So turns out there is a silver lining to pretty much everything...if you look.
Don't forget about these things...
