Four Fs for happiness

Recently I have been feeling incredibly frustrated by the challenges life has been throwing at me (perhaps not challenges of life...perhaps challenges from the government). I don't even want to waste my energy going into it because it will just get me all riled up again. The point of this post is for me to see and be reminded of all the good things in my life, and to be thankful and remember that its not so bad. 

The best things for me are friends, family, food and fresh air. 

accept sadness and create your own happiness

I have been depressed. That doesn't mean that great things haven't been happening to me. That doesn't mean I have not smiled or laughed for the last few months. But my thoughts have been tangled, knotted up with my emotions and logic and the more I fought it, wondering why I was feeling that way, the tighter the knots became. I've had reasons to feel anxious and sad - we all do. Just reading the news gives you reasons to feel shit about the state of the world. Most of us feel completely helpless as individuals. But we can't take on the burden of the world, not by ourselves. 

I can't take credit for what I am about to say. My most excellent Mum and my beautiful boy Henry (gosh, they are wise and patient) told me to be kind. I hear this a lot 'be kind...be kind'. Yeah whatever, we should all be nicer to each other, I know that. But we should also be kind to ourselves - and I have heard that a lot too. However, I am not the best at actually being kind to myself especially when I'm feeling down. That is a huge challenge in itself. I'm learning to accept sadness - not deny it - but also not dwell on it and not wallow in it. I'm trying to treat myself with kindness & forgiveness - I'm only human. I think when I'm feeling down there is a process I go through and all the stages are there but I choose when to move on to the next stage. It's not clear cut and I go up and down and backwards before moving forwards. 

For me -  these are the stages I feel I've gone through over the last few months. (I could draw an incredibly complicated diagram for this - with examples.) 

Trigger (This could be one thing, a comment, a bad day or months of struggles.)

Sadness (The initial reaction or a feeling slowly seeping in over a longer period of time.)

Confusion (Why am I sad? What has caused this? Why has it happened to me - it's not fair! Or... i deserve this!)

Worry, self loathing and blame (You worry that you're sad and you dislike yourself for it - you might also dislike other people.)

Realisation (Okay - this is not fun for anybody. Something's gotta give! Sure, some shitty things have happened or maybe still are happening... But you know what, there are always going to be shitty things happening and there are always going to be excellent things happening. You choose the filter in which to see life through.)

Decision ("I feel shit!" - What the hell am I going to do about it?)

Motivation (I'm doing it! I'm making decisions and getting on with things because great things exist and if they don't... then I'll damn well make them exist.) 

Levelling (All that sadness and then suddenly: revelation. Don't get worn out by that motivational high... shitty things will happen but take it in your stride.)

Oh goodness - doesn't that just simplify something that is ridiculously complex in an insultingly easy way. Why yes, it does. But no, it is definitely not that easy. Ah, the beauty of hindsight...

And as a little note for myself...

Things that are challenging:

- being far away from my family and friends in Aus

- college, group work, assessments

- money & not being allowed to work

- relationships - its all a big learning curve 

- how to fill my time

- learning about life

- having to turn down work

- figuring out who on earth you are

Things to be grateful for:

- my family and friends, despite the distance

- Henry & his loving, welcoming family

- friends!

- college, group work, assessments - learning!

- money & not being allowed to work (but now I have time to volunteer)

- relationships - its all a big learning curve but I wouldn't change it for the world

- how to fill my time (now I'm going to stop talking about learning the ukulele & playing volleyball & just do it!)

- learning about life - wooooooaaaaahhh, what a crazy ride!

Oh...okay. So turns out there is a silver lining to pretty much everything...if you look.

Don't forget about these things...

|| G R A T I T U D E ||

I've had tears in my eyes a lot of late. At first it was tears because I was completely overwhelmed. Then it was tears of self-hate. Then it was tears of sadness and loss and confusion. And more recently there have been tears of hope. Tears of gratitude. Of pure enjoyment and delight and excitement. 

The past year, as you probably already know by my other blogs, has been massive. Full of changes and challenges, surprises, lessons, love, experiences.. It has included some of the most difficult things I have had to deal with and also some of the most amazing, positive experiences and opportunities in my life, thus far. I've had more ups and downs than a merry-go-round. I've been the saddest I've ever been and also the happiest. I've been utterly depressed with life and I have also been just ridiculously excited about life and its possibilities. Big decisions have been made, and important lessons have been learnt. And, of course, the more I learn, the more I realise I don't know. And that is actually an incredibly refreshing realisation. 

But the reason for writing this blog is gratitude. I am grateful for so much. So much! Recently my emotions have been going a bit crazy. My family visited which completely threw me. I have had more than a year of missing them beyond words. Counting down the days, the hours, until I could see them next, and I was totally blessed to have my parents and my nephew come over to visit me for a very special 21st birthday. And it was strange and unreal to see them at first. And then we just slipped back into being completely comfortable with each other. Straight back into feeling all the nuances and dynamics of family life. 

The first morning in Tremezzo I woke up and sat outside in the sunshine, and through the trees I could see Lake Como sparkling. The immense beauty, not just of the sparkling lake and the trees, but also of the situation, the reality of having my family together again after more than a year was just so inordinately wonderful that it brought me to tears. It was painful. I was feeling real, physical pain in my body from gratitude and thankfulness. How lucky I am to be loved and surrounded and supported by these incredible people. 

But of course, families can be testing. I think subconsciously I was telling myself that it'd be easier for us to part again if it wasn't peachy. I was grumpy. On the night before my birthday I barely got any sleep so when it came to being host at my little birthday gathering I struggled. I wasn't feeling social. And then I felt guilty for not wanting to interact and enjoy the company of the people who I care most about. That caused tears. And I was genuinely upset that night. I did, for a small portion of the night, genuinely hate myself. I felt sickened by who I was. By my behaviour and my inability to appreciate the presence of all of these people who love me and who I love, deeply. (Even now, I find it difficult to admit and accept and even say that there really are people who love me here. It is sometimes easier to feel a little lonely, especially now, when at the back of my mind I'm always reminded of the fact that I will be going back to Australia in 8 months...) But, love prevails, doesn't it. It's not just the stuff of fairytales and romantic films.. My birthday was spectacular. And the night ended in laughter, tears and laughter, and cake and games and music. And really it was exactly as I'd hoped it to be. 

And then it finished, almost as soon as it had begun. And I found myself saying goodbye to my family again, at a train station. Crying and feeling my heart being wrenched from my chest and stomped on. And then the paranoia set in. I don't have a house, no fixed abode, no cosy bedroom to go home to, no where that is mine. I don't have my van yet, and will my savings really cover all the costs..? I don't have anything planned or organised for the next couple of months, or for the next 8 months really.. There's vague ideas.. And I was feeling lost again. Left on the other side of the world, again. With no real plan, just an idea.. And I'd convinced everyone, including myself that it'd be sweet! Fuck.

And then all of a sudden, the stress of trying to organise all my belongings and where I'm going to sleep and how I'm going to go about viewing vans when I don't have a clue what I'm looking for and how I'm going to get there when public transport is constantly delayed or cancelled got to me, and there just isn't time to be feeling sorry for myself. I'm busy. I'm taking the reins and I am getting on with life. I'm excited. And I have been so amazed at how generous and giving people are. In the last couple of days, I have been given a bed to sleep in, I've been cooked for, I've had people buy meals for me, I've been given lifts, I've had friends who I haven't spoken to in ages ring up to give me advice on vans and engines, I've had a friend offer me his van, and another friend lend me her car! The universe rewards you when you take a huge leap into the unknown. And I feel so calm and excited and trusting when I think about what is yet to come. And that has caused tears too. I am feeling so much gratitude for the people around me, the opportunities, the unknown, that again, I find myself with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. And this is how I felt a year ago when I took a leap and came overseas to a city I'd never visited with no plan, no job, no house, and survived. More than survived - THRIVED! This time has been different though. This time, I have been blessed by having friends around me to support me, cuddle me, encourage me and believe in me. I am not alone. I've come full circle. I'm ready to go again. There's new and exciting opportunities awaiting me. Places waiting to be explored, people waiting to be met.

So, off I go again, into the big wide world. See you there. xxx

being brave in the modern world

I have been a bit withdrawn. Overwhelmed by life and emotions and relationships and fear and missing home and feeling isolated and feeling surrounded and unsure and ecstatic and depressed. It has been an unusual and challenging time and a definitive learning curve for me.

Usually when I am feeling confused or upset, I write. I write in my journal and try my best to articulately and honestly express how I am feeling in the hope that I can understand those feelings more and do something to bring the positivity back! However, over the last few months, I could not write. I did not know what to write. The words were gone. I couldn't explain how I was feeling. I did not know how I was feeling but there wasn't a great deal of happiness. (And I wasn't fully aware of that until a close friend commented that over the last few months there had been a 'sadness about me' and that they had been unsure of how to approach me because I kept myself locked away from everyone. This was upsetting. But something I needed to hear.) As much as I don't want to talk about this sadness or dwell on it, I feel it is important to express what happened, for me, so that if I feel that way again, I know how to get out of it. And I understand the effect it has on those around me. Because I really could feel myself becoming increasingly withdrawn and unsatisfied with my life, what I'm doing with it and who I associate with (and it upsets me that I was feeling that way towards people whom I hold in such high regard).

I guess I have just been on massive year-long roller coaster... and I have been having the most important, painful, challenging, educational, emotional experiences I've ever had. The biggest challenge for me is being kind. My housemate Lula often reminds me to 'be kind to myself' and I always find myself ignoring her advice. But my Mum tells me the same thing, she says 'don't castigate yourself, Grace!' I am very hard on myself. And I am also very hard on other people. Too hard. And I think that because of that sometimes I cripple myself. I am so afraid of failure that I won't even let myself try. I expect other people to be as hard on me as I am on myself. But people are very forgiving, and understanding. And encouraging! We all make mistakes, and if we didn't, we would not learn. And, boy I have been learning a lot!

I rely a lot on other people for my happiness. Far too much. (And you might think, it's okay to be happy because of other people. You're quite right. But my happiness cannot and will not be determined by someone else's actions. I want people to add to my happiness. I want to share my happiness with others and I want to be able to let people share their happiness with me - and also their grief and excitement and nervousness and everything.) But I also need to be brave enough to not rely on people, and even more so, not blame other people when I am unhappy. 

I am completely, irrationally scared of doing things by myself.. (untrue, you might say - you went overseas to a place you had never been,  where you knew no one, had no job, no house, no plan...and have lasted a year and counting). I am capable, but I am still learning, very slowly. In my own time. I have been quietly proud of myself lately - I've had a couple of little victories. For example, I have been going climbing with a friend of mine, and getting quite into it. But I have only been going with him. And feeling a bit like I'm following him around once we're there, relying on him to tell me which climbs to try. So I thought, I can do this myself. I need to be brave and just do it; not analyse it or think about it, just do it. And I did. I went climbing, by myself, for a good 2 hours. I chatted to people there, asked for advice on different climbs and generally had a lovely time. And then I cycled 5 miles home instead of getting the train. I was buzzing when I got home. I used to play so much sport in Australia but it is hard for me to commit to things over here because of my job & also because I want to be free to travel. But I can climb whenever I want, there aren't set times, like playing a football match or doing a weekly class. I've missed being breathless and sweaty and red faced. It is such a satisfying feeling! I'm excited to continue it!

I am also scared of missing out. I hate missing out on events, or missing out on food, or an opportunity to go out. I also hate making plans that fall through and then being too afraid to do things by myself. This in particular has been something I struggled with a lot. I conversed at length with a friend of mine a few months ago about my intense frustration at unreliable people. I got so incredibly worked up. I think she was slightly shocked at how much it upset me. But it came back to me being scared to do anything by myself, and then blaming someone else for my inability to be independent. 

The other night I was invited out, and then plans fell through. I suggested to my housemates to go out, messaged a couple of friends, no one was interested. And the more it seemed nothing was going to happen, the more annoyed I got. Then I spontaneously decided to accompany a friend on his cycle to work at midnight! Instead of cycling straight home, I loitered at the seafront, taking it all in. All the  partygoers, skate rats, homeless people, musicians... and it brought a smile to my face. It was so nice just to be out of the house. Eventually I decided to head home. I love cycling. I rode along London Road, past the Cowley Club and heard some music that made me want to dance. I stopped and listened. You can't just walk into the Cowley Club. It is all boarded up of a night, and you have to ring a bell to gain entry. I cycled back and forth about 4 times before I finally plucked up the courage to go in... I was rewarded. I went in. I danced. And then a friend of mine turned up and we danced together for a couple of hours. It was such a wonderful night. 

So, I am feeling more capable. More brave. I feel more hope and less judgement from the world. I have to remember that people really do want to connect. But we're all afraid. We're all nervous to make that first move. To take that leap and talk to a stranger. Or make eye contact. Or smile. But deep down, we yearn for that connection. I wish we would all be ever-so-slightly more brave.. The world would be a happier place because of it.

I am determined to be more brave. In this modern, technological world, we have to be socially brave. We don't tip our hats to strangers anymore, we don't even say good morning as we walk down the street. We snapchat and instagram and tinder and whatsapp and Facebook.. We're more 'social' than ever, but now we struggle with real human connection. It's time to change that and bring it back. I challenge you (and me) to do that. Let's engage and converse and interact with each other!

Go on. Off you trot.

Buckets of love xxx

Caring for the care worker ( and people in general )

Everyone needs a bit of love and affection every now and then. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. Everyone needs to be reminded they are important and needed. But at the very least everyone needs to be acknowledged. Something I have noticed from being a care worker is that the carers are often just sort of in the background, somewhat invisible. We (society) seem to have this way of over-compensating when it comes to disabled people. What should be common curtesy towards everyone seems, at times, to be non-existent for us, as care workers and completely over the top, to the point where is seems insincere to disabled people. Obviously, that is a massive generalisation. But there have been numerous times when I've felt like I'm invisible, or like I am a maid or someone to be seen and not heard. I can imagine what it would be like to be an assistant, or a friend or a colleague of a high profile person. Things would not get done without these people, but they are so often forgotten or ignored. Cleaners, shop assistants, waitresses, bar staff, PA's, rubbish collectors.. In Japan, if you are employed, you are automatically respected. You are giving back to society. It doesn't matter if you're a high flying CEO or a street sweeper. Your job is important. Your role is integral to the functioning of everyday life.

This is not something I have only become aware of through care work, but it was not something I expected to feel. When I was working in the hospitality industry there were times when I felt like I was not good enough because I was clearing plates away or washing dishes or mopping floors. But (unfortunately) that is not an uncommon feeling amongst those working in that industry. As I was saying, we over-compensate. We feel that we have to be overly nice to disabled people (which is great, we should be friendly and caring). But why should that attitude cease to exist with the rest of the population. We should treat everyone with respect, regardless of ability, gender, job, religion, skin colour, etc etc etc! A smile goes a long way. So does a compliment. Or inclusion in a conversation!

I only really got thinking about this today when I was getting cups of tea for the couple I work for in the cafe we go to each week. We go there so often that all of the staff know us, they know how they like their tea, they always say a big hello to us (and I presumed I was included in that). Today, the tea cups were a bit too full, so I went to tip some out. One of the women apologised to me saying that she knows how they usually have it but didn't realise it was for them because she only saw me. I have ordered their tea on countless occasions. I guess it is a petty thing to be annoyed about, so I'm not annoyed. I'm merely observing.

When bumping into their friends in the street, or going to the bank I feel ignored. I felt ignored when we went to the Haemophilia Centre and saw the doctors and nurses. I'm just another PA. I make a point of thanking people, and saying goodbye, but they're already looking at their computer screen or paperwork again. I don't think the teller in the bank has ever made eye contact with me despite my efforts to engage.

Perhaps I am only feeling this because I'm feeling a bit invisible in general right now. A bit unnoticed. It's funny. I am more active and busy right now than I have been for a while, but I have to be because I don't feel like I am getting much out of certain other areas of my life. I am working a lot (three jobs), I am studying Spanish, I am teaching myself the Ukulele and finally feeling like I am getting somewhere with it. I am organised with my food, and my room and my money. I am enjoying this immensely. But there is also a part of me that is deeply lonely. My Mum is the only one who I feel genuinely cares about how my day was, and we speak on a daily basis. I am blessed to be so close with her, and to be able to keep in contact with her so regularly.

I am finding myself spending an increasing amount of time in my room with the door shut, simply because I am afraid of going outside and being boring. I don't want to talk to people and tell them how my day was because, to tell you the truth, I don't think they care. I look forward to going to work, because with my couple, I feel truly appreciated and anything I am unhappy about disappears. I don't necessarily want to be doing extraordinary things each day. I am quite happy being ordinary. I get a lot of joy and satisfaction out of being ordinary and doing ordinary things.

And so I will continue. I will enjoy my extra-ordinary life and not worry about anything else. I am learning to nourish myself, educate myself, occupy myself, enjoy my own company and not depend on other people for my happiness and contentedness. (Although it can and does still effect how I feel, I don't rely on it.)

And on that note, I am going to sign off.

Love and warmth, xx