accept sadness and create your own happiness

I have been depressed. That doesn't mean that great things haven't been happening to me. That doesn't mean I have not smiled or laughed for the last few months. But my thoughts have been tangled, knotted up with my emotions and logic and the more I fought it, wondering why I was feeling that way, the tighter the knots became. I've had reasons to feel anxious and sad - we all do. Just reading the news gives you reasons to feel shit about the state of the world. Most of us feel completely helpless as individuals. But we can't take on the burden of the world, not by ourselves. 

I can't take credit for what I am about to say. My most excellent Mum and my beautiful boy Henry (gosh, they are wise and patient) told me to be kind. I hear this a lot 'be kind...be kind'. Yeah whatever, we should all be nicer to each other, I know that. But we should also be kind to ourselves - and I have heard that a lot too. However, I am not the best at actually being kind to myself especially when I'm feeling down. That is a huge challenge in itself. I'm learning to accept sadness - not deny it - but also not dwell on it and not wallow in it. I'm trying to treat myself with kindness & forgiveness - I'm only human. I think when I'm feeling down there is a process I go through and all the stages are there but I choose when to move on to the next stage. It's not clear cut and I go up and down and backwards before moving forwards. 

For me -  these are the stages I feel I've gone through over the last few months. (I could draw an incredibly complicated diagram for this - with examples.) 

Trigger (This could be one thing, a comment, a bad day or months of struggles.)

Sadness (The initial reaction or a feeling slowly seeping in over a longer period of time.)

Confusion (Why am I sad? What has caused this? Why has it happened to me - it's not fair! Or... i deserve this!)

Worry, self loathing and blame (You worry that you're sad and you dislike yourself for it - you might also dislike other people.)

Realisation (Okay - this is not fun for anybody. Something's gotta give! Sure, some shitty things have happened or maybe still are happening... But you know what, there are always going to be shitty things happening and there are always going to be excellent things happening. You choose the filter in which to see life through.)

Decision ("I feel shit!" - What the hell am I going to do about it?)

Motivation (I'm doing it! I'm making decisions and getting on with things because great things exist and if they don't... then I'll damn well make them exist.) 

Levelling (All that sadness and then suddenly: revelation. Don't get worn out by that motivational high... shitty things will happen but take it in your stride.)

Oh goodness - doesn't that just simplify something that is ridiculously complex in an insultingly easy way. Why yes, it does. But no, it is definitely not that easy. Ah, the beauty of hindsight...

And as a little note for myself...

Things that are challenging:

- being far away from my family and friends in Aus

- college, group work, assessments

- money & not being allowed to work

- relationships - its all a big learning curve 

- how to fill my time

- learning about life

- having to turn down work

- figuring out who on earth you are

Things to be grateful for:

- my family and friends, despite the distance

- Henry & his loving, welcoming family

- friends!

- college, group work, assessments - learning!

- money & not being allowed to work (but now I have time to volunteer)

- relationships - its all a big learning curve but I wouldn't change it for the world

- how to fill my time (now I'm going to stop talking about learning the ukulele & playing volleyball & just do it!)

- learning about life - wooooooaaaaahhh, what a crazy ride!

Oh...okay. So turns out there is a silver lining to pretty much everything...if you look.

Don't forget about these things...

|| G R A T I T U D E ||

I've had tears in my eyes a lot of late. At first it was tears because I was completely overwhelmed. Then it was tears of self-hate. Then it was tears of sadness and loss and confusion. And more recently there have been tears of hope. Tears of gratitude. Of pure enjoyment and delight and excitement. 

The past year, as you probably already know by my other blogs, has been massive. Full of changes and challenges, surprises, lessons, love, experiences.. It has included some of the most difficult things I have had to deal with and also some of the most amazing, positive experiences and opportunities in my life, thus far. I've had more ups and downs than a merry-go-round. I've been the saddest I've ever been and also the happiest. I've been utterly depressed with life and I have also been just ridiculously excited about life and its possibilities. Big decisions have been made, and important lessons have been learnt. And, of course, the more I learn, the more I realise I don't know. And that is actually an incredibly refreshing realisation. 

But the reason for writing this blog is gratitude. I am grateful for so much. So much! Recently my emotions have been going a bit crazy. My family visited which completely threw me. I have had more than a year of missing them beyond words. Counting down the days, the hours, until I could see them next, and I was totally blessed to have my parents and my nephew come over to visit me for a very special 21st birthday. And it was strange and unreal to see them at first. And then we just slipped back into being completely comfortable with each other. Straight back into feeling all the nuances and dynamics of family life. 

The first morning in Tremezzo I woke up and sat outside in the sunshine, and through the trees I could see Lake Como sparkling. The immense beauty, not just of the sparkling lake and the trees, but also of the situation, the reality of having my family together again after more than a year was just so inordinately wonderful that it brought me to tears. It was painful. I was feeling real, physical pain in my body from gratitude and thankfulness. How lucky I am to be loved and surrounded and supported by these incredible people. 

But of course, families can be testing. I think subconsciously I was telling myself that it'd be easier for us to part again if it wasn't peachy. I was grumpy. On the night before my birthday I barely got any sleep so when it came to being host at my little birthday gathering I struggled. I wasn't feeling social. And then I felt guilty for not wanting to interact and enjoy the company of the people who I care most about. That caused tears. And I was genuinely upset that night. I did, for a small portion of the night, genuinely hate myself. I felt sickened by who I was. By my behaviour and my inability to appreciate the presence of all of these people who love me and who I love, deeply. (Even now, I find it difficult to admit and accept and even say that there really are people who love me here. It is sometimes easier to feel a little lonely, especially now, when at the back of my mind I'm always reminded of the fact that I will be going back to Australia in 8 months...) But, love prevails, doesn't it. It's not just the stuff of fairytales and romantic films.. My birthday was spectacular. And the night ended in laughter, tears and laughter, and cake and games and music. And really it was exactly as I'd hoped it to be. 

And then it finished, almost as soon as it had begun. And I found myself saying goodbye to my family again, at a train station. Crying and feeling my heart being wrenched from my chest and stomped on. And then the paranoia set in. I don't have a house, no fixed abode, no cosy bedroom to go home to, no where that is mine. I don't have my van yet, and will my savings really cover all the costs..? I don't have anything planned or organised for the next couple of months, or for the next 8 months really.. There's vague ideas.. And I was feeling lost again. Left on the other side of the world, again. With no real plan, just an idea.. And I'd convinced everyone, including myself that it'd be sweet! Fuck.

And then all of a sudden, the stress of trying to organise all my belongings and where I'm going to sleep and how I'm going to go about viewing vans when I don't have a clue what I'm looking for and how I'm going to get there when public transport is constantly delayed or cancelled got to me, and there just isn't time to be feeling sorry for myself. I'm busy. I'm taking the reins and I am getting on with life. I'm excited. And I have been so amazed at how generous and giving people are. In the last couple of days, I have been given a bed to sleep in, I've been cooked for, I've had people buy meals for me, I've been given lifts, I've had friends who I haven't spoken to in ages ring up to give me advice on vans and engines, I've had a friend offer me his van, and another friend lend me her car! The universe rewards you when you take a huge leap into the unknown. And I feel so calm and excited and trusting when I think about what is yet to come. And that has caused tears too. I am feeling so much gratitude for the people around me, the opportunities, the unknown, that again, I find myself with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. And this is how I felt a year ago when I took a leap and came overseas to a city I'd never visited with no plan, no job, no house, and survived. More than survived - THRIVED! This time has been different though. This time, I have been blessed by having friends around me to support me, cuddle me, encourage me and believe in me. I am not alone. I've come full circle. I'm ready to go again. There's new and exciting opportunities awaiting me. Places waiting to be explored, people waiting to be met.

So, off I go again, into the big wide world. See you there. xxx

my 21st birthday & family reunion

for my 21st birthday my parents and my nephew Taliesin came to visit. we met in Milan and went to Tremezzo, Lake Como for 10 days where we stayed in a beautiful villa. during our time there my sister Anouk and her kids, Sidera & Rollie joined us, as well as our friends Max, Zylvia & Andreas from Germany, my friend Tiana from the US and my friend Joe from the UK. it was such an incredible family reunion & such a special 21st birthday gift. 

i took a ridiculous amount of photographs, which i have not had time to go through or edit. but enjoy the following selection of photographs, taken during the time i got to spend with my family in Italy, France and the UK.

Portraits - Tremezzo & Paris

Rollie, Tremezzo

Dad, Dieppe

Rollie & Mum, Tremezzo

Sidera, Tremezzo

Anouk, Tremezzo

Taliesin, Dieppe

Dreadlocked man, Paris

Boats, Tremezzo & Dieppe

Fishing Boat, Dieppe

Boat, Dieppe

Fishing Boat, Dieppe

Passenger Ferry, Tremezzo

Landscapes, Tremezzo

Abandoned House in Dieppe

Doll's Leg, Dieppe

Doll, Dieppe

Abandoned House, Dieppe

Abandoned House, Dieppe

Abandoned House, Dieppe

Abandoned House, Dieppe

Abandoned House, Dieppe

Abandoned House, Dieppe

Abandoned House, Dieppe

Sunset at Land's End, Penzance

more pictures to come, eventually! xx

i had a birthday. my 20th in the UK.

Some words that resonate with me at the moment.

Thursday 14th November was my 20th Birthday. I could not have asked for a better day of celebrations, with better people. It blows me away how much people accept you into their lives and make you feel so at home and comfortable in their groups. I've only been here about a month, but it is just insane, I feel like I've been here forever. I feel like all the people I'm meeting are my oldest and closest friends. A closeness where we are so comfortable around each other, no awkward silences, no awkward moments, just a feeling of home. Even people I've only met a couple of times have become such close friends, and we share such solid bonds. It really is the most fantastic and surreal thing. The effort my friends put in to make my day special was just mind blowing. 

Luke & Lula got up and cooked me a fantastic breakfast and gave me the performance of a lifetime, with costumes and singing and dancing. (It involved material and hats and cotton wool in their noses.. as well as a terrible song about how children are conceived..)

I see Noah Taylor (one of my favourite Aussie actors) at Brighton Train Station every morning when I'm on my way to work. He walks his wife to the train every day. The first time I saw him I decided I wouldn't interrupt them, but I was excited to have seen him. Then the next day I saw him again and spoke to him, complimented him on his work, and asked for a photo, which he refused. So it was quite embarrassing! And my Greenpeace team (who watched me get rejected) have been making fun of me ever since! But for my birthday my leader from Greenpeace got Noah Taylor to sign a card for me. Such a special thing!  We wondered if he would've refused knowing it was for me!

My team at Greenpeace made sure I had a good day full of laughs and fun, even though we were working. But hey, that's what they do every day! Saving the world, one sign up at a time!

My darling friend Annie wrote me the beautiful song for my birthday. Brought tears to my eyes it did. I feel that this is a real representation of what people are like here. I only met Annie once. She & Tildy stayed with us for the weekend. But we got along really well and now she's written me a song. And I think that is just so incredibly special. (Just to explain the clitoris part - I'm not sure how we got onto this, but it ended with us googling facts about the clitoris..)

My new friend Joel, the carpenter, made me a beautiful wooden box with my name carved into it, perfect to keep my small collection of jewellery in. I met Joel Rock Climbing a few weeks back and every time I went back he was always there. So we took it as a sign that we should probably be friends. And now we are.

My Dad continued the birthday tradition of writing limericks and wrote one for me. 

"There was a young lady called Grace

Who left so we'd have some more space

But it's still pretty tough

Cause she left all her stuff

And chucking it, we just can't face"

My Mum painted a picture of a magnolia flower, from the tree that was planted for me 20 years ago. She told me that there was only the one flower in bloom to paint. Such a special gift to receive in the mail. It is now hanging on my wall  next to my bed, reminding me of home.

My housemate Momo got me flowers, bright orange and pink roses, which I love. There's something about flowers that just brighten the mood, and make the house an even warmer and homely place. She also made me a bag of goodies including incense, a scarf, chocolate and an elephant keyring. [Momo, I love that we're forming a friendship, as well as just being housemates. I'm so grateful to be able to have girly chats with you.]

Kate, such a gorgeous, bubbly human. Knowing how much I love Felix from the Cat Empire, (we both went to see the Cat Empire at the O2 Academy in Brixton a few weeks back) she got a mug made for me with Felix's thoughts on it - "Wow, Grace Stewart is amazing..." She handed it to me saying "here, have the worst wrapped present in history". It might have been badly wrapped, but man, what a fantastic gift. And perfect for me drink the tea that Alice and Ezra got me. So today I sat down with a hot cup of tea, and ate some toast with homemade marmalade (also from Alice and Ezra). What a delicious combination.

My fabulous friend Justine got me an owl brooch, which I thought was just a HOOT! And it goes perfectly on my beautiful scarf from my Aunt Jenny and cousin Chloe back in Sydney! 

My darling Jem (who is a chef!) made me a vegan apple and cinnamon cake. Not just any apple and cinnamon cake. The most fantastic, delicious birthday cake I could hope for. Not too sweet, just right. When someone makes food to share, it tastes better - you really can taste the love.

Now you might think I've just listed a bunch of presents people have got for me, and that is very materialistic of me. But that is not the way it is intended. I wanted to say a big, huge, monstrous thank you for the effort put into these gifts. Because thought went into them. They're not just things. They mean something to me. And the point I'm trying to make is that the group I've become part of is so genuine, so caring and so real. Everyone exists as they are. No one is trying to be someone they're not. No one is hiding anything. Everyone is totally raw and comfortable in themselves, and as a result, everyone really knows each other. So when it comes to giving a gift, it is special because we know each other, and we know what we like and what we will appreciate. Everything that I was given was so heartfelt. And I think what surprises me most about that is that I have only been here a month. These relationships have been formed in such a short time, because we trust each other. I have learnt to trust a lot more. To be myself. To be comfortable in my own skin. To not worry about what others think. Because this group I'm part of, they don't care what others think. They think for themselves. And they can see the truth. And that is something that amazes me every day.

To my friends and family, new and old,

thank you, so so much!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

an update.

FIRSTLY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMA BEAR!

Missing you! I love you! xxxxxxxx

So many things have happened in the last couple of weeks - in fact, it has not even been two weeks yet. I have been very busy, which is lovely. I went and saw San Cisco play at The Haunt the other night, with a lovely girl from Western Australia who is staying at the hostel. I went to a gay bar for the first time. Hung out at a place called Cranks which is a volunteer run, DIY bicycle repair place. Got lost a few times. I have been applying for jobs, and have a trial next week at a little cafe. I am currently in the process of moving into an awesome share house with the most fantastic, welcoming and beautiful group of people.  I feel like I have been here, living in Brighton, for months. I have friends who I feel like I've known for ages, both at the hostel I've been living in, and in the house I'm about to move into. I feel so blessed to have met these people. 

I'm so happy to be moving into this house! Yesterday we sat together, on the floor, eating home made pancakes for breakfast, and organised everything. It is so wonderful to be surrounded by people with the same ideas and views as me. We're getting a compost bin, we would like to sit down and have a meal together at least once a week, we want to use environmentally friendly cleaning products, we want to use less power, support local farmers, bulk buy vegie boxes... Things that I have been brought up doing. It is so nice to be around people who understand that this is the norm, and it isn't as hard as you think. In fact, it isn't really that hard at all. 

We spent the day charity shopping and searching the local street markets for cutlery and mugs and various other house related things. These guys are serious bargain hunters. I've got a lot to learn. It is a bit difficult not having a car.. it makes it hard to transport things. Yesterday we had to get a taxi to move a desk, clothes rack, garbage bin, book shelf and a basket full of my clothes and a toaster back to the house... But the house is close so at least the cost isn't too much of an issue.. I'm looking forward to decorating my room - I have acquired a collection of postcards from around the world on my travels. A bit of blue tack and we're sorted. I'm still trying to find a mattress, a duvet, blankets, pillows...etc. But I am still in the hostel for a few days so I'm not sleeping on the floor just yet... 

It is all very exciting. And funny. There has been lots of laughter along the way. Funny things have happened, embarrassing things have happened. And it has been really nice to share these moments, and laugh together. From having stacks on bikes, to being rejected when offering to share my umbrella with someone, to being almost attacked by a dog in a busy cafe. 

Without sounding lame or fake or like I am bragging, I really am feeling so lucky every day. I am lucky to have met the guys in the park. I'm lucky they asked me to move in with them. I'm lucky to have been introduced to their friends. I'm lucky to have met the people at hostel and formed such close relationships with them so quickly. I'm lucky to be able to talk with my family even though they're so far away. And, I am so bloody lucky to be alive and living in this world.

San Cisco