changes. again. a fresh start. again.

This is what I will do now. I'm making changes in my own way.

On Tuesday I quit my job street fundraising for Greenpeace. It is a good decision, the right decision. My reasons for leaving, though somewhat insignificant as they may seem by them self, all added up, and can result in a seriously shit time. I decided that Greenpeace is something that I really care about and I want to see truly passionate people out on the streets talking to people and raising money. I don’t think I am the right person to do that job, simply because I feel that I’m not able to put in all my effort. The skeptics, the loonies, the snide remarks and the downright rude comments, they all add up. It doesn’t affect some people, but it got to me. This doesn’t necessarily make me weak or sensitive. But it does mean that I’m not able to maintain my positive, motivated and enthusiastic attitude for the whole day. And as time wears on, albeit short, you wake up every day feeling just a little bit less like going to work, you don’t want to listen to that. Damn it, you don’t have to listen to that. And so I thought I should cut and run. I will put my time and effort into doing something where I feel I can truly make a difference. It will definitely involve Greenpeace. I plan on volunteering for our local team. Greenpeace is such a close-nit organisation, full of brave, inspiring, passionate, generous and awesome people, and I want to be part of that. But I don’t want to be paid for it. I want to do it for myself and for the earth. And for my parents and for my children. I want my parents to see change, change that the younger generation has fought for. I want them to see some of what we accomplish, what we achieve, what we protect. They won’t see everything we do. But environmental protection, environmental respect, that is possible. I want my parents to see the Arctic made into a global sanctuary. I want my parents to know that their grandchildren and great grandchildren are going to enjoy a planet free from fracking, oil drilling, unsustainable fishing, animal cruelty, cruelty to each other! The frustrating thing is IT IS possible. It is more than achievable. Let’s do it. 

It’s starts at a local level. You don’t need to be signing up to charities or organisations to make a difference. I’m not saying don’t sign up, because your donations are integral to the functioning of such organisations. But what I am saying is you can make huge changes by getting involved at a local level. Pick up rubbish (yes you might feel silly doing it, people might gawk at you, but just do it!). Sit down next to that homeless guy and have a chat. Don’t ignore him as you walk past, don’t look at him like he’s scum. Because he’s not. And he has a bloody interesting story to tell to someone who genuinely wants to listen. Take that freezing, starving girl out to dinner with you and get to know her. She is actually really funny. Give your spare change to buskers. Buy that Big Issue and read it. Visit your local soup kitchen or animal shelter or the old friend you haven’t seen in months because your life has been too hectic. (Not to be patronising about the busyness of our lives.) But come on, we can do this, we can make time for these moments. They are precious. Precious exchanges, precious hugs, precious conversations, precious memories. I definitely know that some of the people I have met have changed the course of my life. Not always in a dramatic way, but they’ve challenged me, questioned me, got me thinking and questioning myself and my beliefs. They’ve educated me, inspired me, laughed with me. And it has only happened because I’ve been open, and honest. I’ve listened because I’m genuinely interested. I have sat on the freezing concrete and chatted with homeless people. And its hard for them. Even for the short amount of time I was sitting there, I noticed the looks people give you. They are looks of disgust, fear, confusion. Try a smile. It could change someone’s day. And that is my point. Changing the world at a local level can require very little effort. And really we have no excuses for excluding ourselves from this. 

I’ve been questioned about my beliefs and yes, they may seem somewhat idealistic. But I think it’s important to dream big, to truly believe that this is possible. We can change the world. Yes, there is definitely a massive chance of being hugely disappointed and becoming jaded and losing faith in humanity. But don’t take away my enthusiasm and motivation to create change. I feel that I am very much in touch with reality. And I’m definitely aware of how shit things can be, how shit the world can be. And how I’m just a teensy tiny part of the bigger picture. But I think saying that as individuals, we don’t have the power to make change, is an excuse. It’s lazy. Everyone can make change in their own way. I will end this post with a quote that really resonates with me, and I think more people should consider this.

“A person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it” - Chinese Proverb

i had a birthday. my 20th in the UK.

Some words that resonate with me at the moment.

Thursday 14th November was my 20th Birthday. I could not have asked for a better day of celebrations, with better people. It blows me away how much people accept you into their lives and make you feel so at home and comfortable in their groups. I've only been here about a month, but it is just insane, I feel like I've been here forever. I feel like all the people I'm meeting are my oldest and closest friends. A closeness where we are so comfortable around each other, no awkward silences, no awkward moments, just a feeling of home. Even people I've only met a couple of times have become such close friends, and we share such solid bonds. It really is the most fantastic and surreal thing. The effort my friends put in to make my day special was just mind blowing. 

Luke & Lula got up and cooked me a fantastic breakfast and gave me the performance of a lifetime, with costumes and singing and dancing. (It involved material and hats and cotton wool in their noses.. as well as a terrible song about how children are conceived..)

I see Noah Taylor (one of my favourite Aussie actors) at Brighton Train Station every morning when I'm on my way to work. He walks his wife to the train every day. The first time I saw him I decided I wouldn't interrupt them, but I was excited to have seen him. Then the next day I saw him again and spoke to him, complimented him on his work, and asked for a photo, which he refused. So it was quite embarrassing! And my Greenpeace team (who watched me get rejected) have been making fun of me ever since! But for my birthday my leader from Greenpeace got Noah Taylor to sign a card for me. Such a special thing!  We wondered if he would've refused knowing it was for me!

My team at Greenpeace made sure I had a good day full of laughs and fun, even though we were working. But hey, that's what they do every day! Saving the world, one sign up at a time!

My darling friend Annie wrote me the beautiful song for my birthday. Brought tears to my eyes it did. I feel that this is a real representation of what people are like here. I only met Annie once. She & Tildy stayed with us for the weekend. But we got along really well and now she's written me a song. And I think that is just so incredibly special. (Just to explain the clitoris part - I'm not sure how we got onto this, but it ended with us googling facts about the clitoris..)

My new friend Joel, the carpenter, made me a beautiful wooden box with my name carved into it, perfect to keep my small collection of jewellery in. I met Joel Rock Climbing a few weeks back and every time I went back he was always there. So we took it as a sign that we should probably be friends. And now we are.

My Dad continued the birthday tradition of writing limericks and wrote one for me. 

"There was a young lady called Grace

Who left so we'd have some more space

But it's still pretty tough

Cause she left all her stuff

And chucking it, we just can't face"

My Mum painted a picture of a magnolia flower, from the tree that was planted for me 20 years ago. She told me that there was only the one flower in bloom to paint. Such a special gift to receive in the mail. It is now hanging on my wall  next to my bed, reminding me of home.

My housemate Momo got me flowers, bright orange and pink roses, which I love. There's something about flowers that just brighten the mood, and make the house an even warmer and homely place. She also made me a bag of goodies including incense, a scarf, chocolate and an elephant keyring. [Momo, I love that we're forming a friendship, as well as just being housemates. I'm so grateful to be able to have girly chats with you.]

Kate, such a gorgeous, bubbly human. Knowing how much I love Felix from the Cat Empire, (we both went to see the Cat Empire at the O2 Academy in Brixton a few weeks back) she got a mug made for me with Felix's thoughts on it - "Wow, Grace Stewart is amazing..." She handed it to me saying "here, have the worst wrapped present in history". It might have been badly wrapped, but man, what a fantastic gift. And perfect for me drink the tea that Alice and Ezra got me. So today I sat down with a hot cup of tea, and ate some toast with homemade marmalade (also from Alice and Ezra). What a delicious combination.

My fabulous friend Justine got me an owl brooch, which I thought was just a HOOT! And it goes perfectly on my beautiful scarf from my Aunt Jenny and cousin Chloe back in Sydney! 

My darling Jem (who is a chef!) made me a vegan apple and cinnamon cake. Not just any apple and cinnamon cake. The most fantastic, delicious birthday cake I could hope for. Not too sweet, just right. When someone makes food to share, it tastes better - you really can taste the love.

Now you might think I've just listed a bunch of presents people have got for me, and that is very materialistic of me. But that is not the way it is intended. I wanted to say a big, huge, monstrous thank you for the effort put into these gifts. Because thought went into them. They're not just things. They mean something to me. And the point I'm trying to make is that the group I've become part of is so genuine, so caring and so real. Everyone exists as they are. No one is trying to be someone they're not. No one is hiding anything. Everyone is totally raw and comfortable in themselves, and as a result, everyone really knows each other. So when it comes to giving a gift, it is special because we know each other, and we know what we like and what we will appreciate. Everything that I was given was so heartfelt. And I think what surprises me most about that is that I have only been here a month. These relationships have been formed in such a short time, because we trust each other. I have learnt to trust a lot more. To be myself. To be comfortable in my own skin. To not worry about what others think. Because this group I'm part of, they don't care what others think. They think for themselves. And they can see the truth. And that is something that amazes me every day.

To my friends and family, new and old,

thank you, so so much!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

quietly. changes. realisation. appreciation.

This feels particularly relevant to me at present.

I have been super busy lately, but found some time whilst on the train on Thursday to write a bit.

I'm on the train to Southhampton for work. Currently have the time to collect my thoughts and reflect upon the last week or so, which has been hectic. Many things have happened, and many emotions have been felt. I've had my first week working for Greenpeace - a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally. It is hard work, but all very rewarding. I've met some truly inspiring people who restore my faith in this world and its future. But there have also been things that sadden me and dishearten me. I guess those things just teach you to preserve and keep on keeping on. This past week has been so busy I feel like I have not even had time to think. Its been good, but I'm not sure how long I can sustain this busy life style. Obviously we're still settling in to the demands of the job and balancing it with social and everyday life. Lack of sleep has been a struggle this week. There's too many interesting things going on and I don't want to miss out. We'll see if I stay working for Greenpeace... The hours might be too demanding. After all, I am here to live and work, and I intend to do plenty of living. I'll put all my effort into this job while I'm here, but I'm not opposed to looking for other work!

Last night I did an interview with my friend Alice for a study on health and well being, which basically involved me telling a (reasonably, but not really) brief account of my life so far. It took roughly 2 hours, with some questions at the end. I was honest, and it was quite emotional. It is really hard to talk about yourself, and we got into some pretty in deep stuff. Actually saying some of your thoughts out loud can be strange . I think it was a really good thing to do though. Putting my thoughts into words was hard at times, but a good exercise for my mind - a challenge. I opened up about many things I feel have shaped me as a person, but of course this process of learning and growing is ongoing. We never stop - people are ever-changing. And at times I still have no clue who I am and what I'm doing on this earth.

Today, Sunday 10th November. I woke and showered which helped to cleanse my mind a bit. I spent the morning catching up on things that needed doing - emails, sorting things out, cleaning, washing my clothes, etc. Quite therapeutic completing normal household tasks like that. I skyped with my parents - always an enjoyable time. I also skyped with my best friend Archie, who I haven't seen in months! My housemates and I walked to the beach and sat in the sun for a while. We observed the tourists taking photos on their iPads and tablets and smartphones. Technology is a strange thing.

Momo and I went to Foodilic in town where we had and all-you-can-eat 'snack'. I went to the oxfam shop and picked up a winter jacket, which is quite warm and cosy. Met up with some friends. Drank some hot chocolate. Went bin raiding. Came home. Watched Samsara, a beautiful and powerful and very disturbing documentary - a collection of images and scenes, with no dialogue, just music. It should be watched rather than explained. I want everyone to watch it.

I am very tired and need to sleep now. My body is tired from rock climbing on Saturday, and my mind if tired from thinking about life. There are many other things I wish to speak about, to post on this blog, but my eyes are flickering. Sleep is calling. And Jem has just turned up, sweaty and breathless from cycling. x

Coming to the realisation that this is my home now. Feeling pleasant.

I went to the movies with Faezeh and we saw Blue Jasmine. There was so much laughter. Such cherished moments.

Meet Len. I met him on the street while I was fundraising. We had a lovely conversation & he was very well read & educated on all current affairs including the situation with the Arctic 30. Then, on my lunch break we ended up sitting at the same table because there were no seats. He told me all about his views about the world, what needs to be done & how he'd go about it. This remarkable man is 97 & it was an honour to be able to speak with him. So blessed to have the opportunity to do this through my job!