Four Fs for happiness

Recently I have been feeling incredibly frustrated by the challenges life has been throwing at me (perhaps not challenges of life...perhaps challenges from the government). I don't even want to waste my energy going into it because it will just get me all riled up again. The point of this post is for me to see and be reminded of all the good things in my life, and to be thankful and remember that its not so bad. 

The best things for me are friends, family, food and fresh air. 

|| G R A T I T U D E ||

I've had tears in my eyes a lot of late. At first it was tears because I was completely overwhelmed. Then it was tears of self-hate. Then it was tears of sadness and loss and confusion. And more recently there have been tears of hope. Tears of gratitude. Of pure enjoyment and delight and excitement. 

The past year, as you probably already know by my other blogs, has been massive. Full of changes and challenges, surprises, lessons, love, experiences.. It has included some of the most difficult things I have had to deal with and also some of the most amazing, positive experiences and opportunities in my life, thus far. I've had more ups and downs than a merry-go-round. I've been the saddest I've ever been and also the happiest. I've been utterly depressed with life and I have also been just ridiculously excited about life and its possibilities. Big decisions have been made, and important lessons have been learnt. And, of course, the more I learn, the more I realise I don't know. And that is actually an incredibly refreshing realisation. 

But the reason for writing this blog is gratitude. I am grateful for so much. So much! Recently my emotions have been going a bit crazy. My family visited which completely threw me. I have had more than a year of missing them beyond words. Counting down the days, the hours, until I could see them next, and I was totally blessed to have my parents and my nephew come over to visit me for a very special 21st birthday. And it was strange and unreal to see them at first. And then we just slipped back into being completely comfortable with each other. Straight back into feeling all the nuances and dynamics of family life. 

The first morning in Tremezzo I woke up and sat outside in the sunshine, and through the trees I could see Lake Como sparkling. The immense beauty, not just of the sparkling lake and the trees, but also of the situation, the reality of having my family together again after more than a year was just so inordinately wonderful that it brought me to tears. It was painful. I was feeling real, physical pain in my body from gratitude and thankfulness. How lucky I am to be loved and surrounded and supported by these incredible people. 

But of course, families can be testing. I think subconsciously I was telling myself that it'd be easier for us to part again if it wasn't peachy. I was grumpy. On the night before my birthday I barely got any sleep so when it came to being host at my little birthday gathering I struggled. I wasn't feeling social. And then I felt guilty for not wanting to interact and enjoy the company of the people who I care most about. That caused tears. And I was genuinely upset that night. I did, for a small portion of the night, genuinely hate myself. I felt sickened by who I was. By my behaviour and my inability to appreciate the presence of all of these people who love me and who I love, deeply. (Even now, I find it difficult to admit and accept and even say that there really are people who love me here. It is sometimes easier to feel a little lonely, especially now, when at the back of my mind I'm always reminded of the fact that I will be going back to Australia in 8 months...) But, love prevails, doesn't it. It's not just the stuff of fairytales and romantic films.. My birthday was spectacular. And the night ended in laughter, tears and laughter, and cake and games and music. And really it was exactly as I'd hoped it to be. 

And then it finished, almost as soon as it had begun. And I found myself saying goodbye to my family again, at a train station. Crying and feeling my heart being wrenched from my chest and stomped on. And then the paranoia set in. I don't have a house, no fixed abode, no cosy bedroom to go home to, no where that is mine. I don't have my van yet, and will my savings really cover all the costs..? I don't have anything planned or organised for the next couple of months, or for the next 8 months really.. There's vague ideas.. And I was feeling lost again. Left on the other side of the world, again. With no real plan, just an idea.. And I'd convinced everyone, including myself that it'd be sweet! Fuck.

And then all of a sudden, the stress of trying to organise all my belongings and where I'm going to sleep and how I'm going to go about viewing vans when I don't have a clue what I'm looking for and how I'm going to get there when public transport is constantly delayed or cancelled got to me, and there just isn't time to be feeling sorry for myself. I'm busy. I'm taking the reins and I am getting on with life. I'm excited. And I have been so amazed at how generous and giving people are. In the last couple of days, I have been given a bed to sleep in, I've been cooked for, I've had people buy meals for me, I've been given lifts, I've had friends who I haven't spoken to in ages ring up to give me advice on vans and engines, I've had a friend offer me his van, and another friend lend me her car! The universe rewards you when you take a huge leap into the unknown. And I feel so calm and excited and trusting when I think about what is yet to come. And that has caused tears too. I am feeling so much gratitude for the people around me, the opportunities, the unknown, that again, I find myself with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. And this is how I felt a year ago when I took a leap and came overseas to a city I'd never visited with no plan, no job, no house, and survived. More than survived - THRIVED! This time has been different though. This time, I have been blessed by having friends around me to support me, cuddle me, encourage me and believe in me. I am not alone. I've come full circle. I'm ready to go again. There's new and exciting opportunities awaiting me. Places waiting to be explored, people waiting to be met.

So, off I go again, into the big wide world. See you there. xxx

being brave in the modern world

I have been a bit withdrawn. Overwhelmed by life and emotions and relationships and fear and missing home and feeling isolated and feeling surrounded and unsure and ecstatic and depressed. It has been an unusual and challenging time and a definitive learning curve for me.

Usually when I am feeling confused or upset, I write. I write in my journal and try my best to articulately and honestly express how I am feeling in the hope that I can understand those feelings more and do something to bring the positivity back! However, over the last few months, I could not write. I did not know what to write. The words were gone. I couldn't explain how I was feeling. I did not know how I was feeling but there wasn't a great deal of happiness. (And I wasn't fully aware of that until a close friend commented that over the last few months there had been a 'sadness about me' and that they had been unsure of how to approach me because I kept myself locked away from everyone. This was upsetting. But something I needed to hear.) As much as I don't want to talk about this sadness or dwell on it, I feel it is important to express what happened, for me, so that if I feel that way again, I know how to get out of it. And I understand the effect it has on those around me. Because I really could feel myself becoming increasingly withdrawn and unsatisfied with my life, what I'm doing with it and who I associate with (and it upsets me that I was feeling that way towards people whom I hold in such high regard).

I guess I have just been on massive year-long roller coaster... and I have been having the most important, painful, challenging, educational, emotional experiences I've ever had. The biggest challenge for me is being kind. My housemate Lula often reminds me to 'be kind to myself' and I always find myself ignoring her advice. But my Mum tells me the same thing, she says 'don't castigate yourself, Grace!' I am very hard on myself. And I am also very hard on other people. Too hard. And I think that because of that sometimes I cripple myself. I am so afraid of failure that I won't even let myself try. I expect other people to be as hard on me as I am on myself. But people are very forgiving, and understanding. And encouraging! We all make mistakes, and if we didn't, we would not learn. And, boy I have been learning a lot!

I rely a lot on other people for my happiness. Far too much. (And you might think, it's okay to be happy because of other people. You're quite right. But my happiness cannot and will not be determined by someone else's actions. I want people to add to my happiness. I want to share my happiness with others and I want to be able to let people share their happiness with me - and also their grief and excitement and nervousness and everything.) But I also need to be brave enough to not rely on people, and even more so, not blame other people when I am unhappy. 

I am completely, irrationally scared of doing things by myself.. (untrue, you might say - you went overseas to a place you had never been,  where you knew no one, had no job, no house, no plan...and have lasted a year and counting). I am capable, but I am still learning, very slowly. In my own time. I have been quietly proud of myself lately - I've had a couple of little victories. For example, I have been going climbing with a friend of mine, and getting quite into it. But I have only been going with him. And feeling a bit like I'm following him around once we're there, relying on him to tell me which climbs to try. So I thought, I can do this myself. I need to be brave and just do it; not analyse it or think about it, just do it. And I did. I went climbing, by myself, for a good 2 hours. I chatted to people there, asked for advice on different climbs and generally had a lovely time. And then I cycled 5 miles home instead of getting the train. I was buzzing when I got home. I used to play so much sport in Australia but it is hard for me to commit to things over here because of my job & also because I want to be free to travel. But I can climb whenever I want, there aren't set times, like playing a football match or doing a weekly class. I've missed being breathless and sweaty and red faced. It is such a satisfying feeling! I'm excited to continue it!

I am also scared of missing out. I hate missing out on events, or missing out on food, or an opportunity to go out. I also hate making plans that fall through and then being too afraid to do things by myself. This in particular has been something I struggled with a lot. I conversed at length with a friend of mine a few months ago about my intense frustration at unreliable people. I got so incredibly worked up. I think she was slightly shocked at how much it upset me. But it came back to me being scared to do anything by myself, and then blaming someone else for my inability to be independent. 

The other night I was invited out, and then plans fell through. I suggested to my housemates to go out, messaged a couple of friends, no one was interested. And the more it seemed nothing was going to happen, the more annoyed I got. Then I spontaneously decided to accompany a friend on his cycle to work at midnight! Instead of cycling straight home, I loitered at the seafront, taking it all in. All the  partygoers, skate rats, homeless people, musicians... and it brought a smile to my face. It was so nice just to be out of the house. Eventually I decided to head home. I love cycling. I rode along London Road, past the Cowley Club and heard some music that made me want to dance. I stopped and listened. You can't just walk into the Cowley Club. It is all boarded up of a night, and you have to ring a bell to gain entry. I cycled back and forth about 4 times before I finally plucked up the courage to go in... I was rewarded. I went in. I danced. And then a friend of mine turned up and we danced together for a couple of hours. It was such a wonderful night. 

So, I am feeling more capable. More brave. I feel more hope and less judgement from the world. I have to remember that people really do want to connect. But we're all afraid. We're all nervous to make that first move. To take that leap and talk to a stranger. Or make eye contact. Or smile. But deep down, we yearn for that connection. I wish we would all be ever-so-slightly more brave.. The world would be a happier place because of it.

I am determined to be more brave. In this modern, technological world, we have to be socially brave. We don't tip our hats to strangers anymore, we don't even say good morning as we walk down the street. We snapchat and instagram and tinder and whatsapp and Facebook.. We're more 'social' than ever, but now we struggle with real human connection. It's time to change that and bring it back. I challenge you (and me) to do that. Let's engage and converse and interact with each other!

Go on. Off you trot.

Buckets of love xxx

Caring for the care worker ( and people in general )

Everyone needs a bit of love and affection every now and then. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. Everyone needs to be reminded they are important and needed. But at the very least everyone needs to be acknowledged. Something I have noticed from being a care worker is that the carers are often just sort of in the background, somewhat invisible. We (society) seem to have this way of over-compensating when it comes to disabled people. What should be common curtesy towards everyone seems, at times, to be non-existent for us, as care workers and completely over the top, to the point where is seems insincere to disabled people. Obviously, that is a massive generalisation. But there have been numerous times when I've felt like I'm invisible, or like I am a maid or someone to be seen and not heard. I can imagine what it would be like to be an assistant, or a friend or a colleague of a high profile person. Things would not get done without these people, but they are so often forgotten or ignored. Cleaners, shop assistants, waitresses, bar staff, PA's, rubbish collectors.. In Japan, if you are employed, you are automatically respected. You are giving back to society. It doesn't matter if you're a high flying CEO or a street sweeper. Your job is important. Your role is integral to the functioning of everyday life.

This is not something I have only become aware of through care work, but it was not something I expected to feel. When I was working in the hospitality industry there were times when I felt like I was not good enough because I was clearing plates away or washing dishes or mopping floors. But (unfortunately) that is not an uncommon feeling amongst those working in that industry. As I was saying, we over-compensate. We feel that we have to be overly nice to disabled people (which is great, we should be friendly and caring). But why should that attitude cease to exist with the rest of the population. We should treat everyone with respect, regardless of ability, gender, job, religion, skin colour, etc etc etc! A smile goes a long way. So does a compliment. Or inclusion in a conversation!

I only really got thinking about this today when I was getting cups of tea for the couple I work for in the cafe we go to each week. We go there so often that all of the staff know us, they know how they like their tea, they always say a big hello to us (and I presumed I was included in that). Today, the tea cups were a bit too full, so I went to tip some out. One of the women apologised to me saying that she knows how they usually have it but didn't realise it was for them because she only saw me. I have ordered their tea on countless occasions. I guess it is a petty thing to be annoyed about, so I'm not annoyed. I'm merely observing.

When bumping into their friends in the street, or going to the bank I feel ignored. I felt ignored when we went to the Haemophilia Centre and saw the doctors and nurses. I'm just another PA. I make a point of thanking people, and saying goodbye, but they're already looking at their computer screen or paperwork again. I don't think the teller in the bank has ever made eye contact with me despite my efforts to engage.

Perhaps I am only feeling this because I'm feeling a bit invisible in general right now. A bit unnoticed. It's funny. I am more active and busy right now than I have been for a while, but I have to be because I don't feel like I am getting much out of certain other areas of my life. I am working a lot (three jobs), I am studying Spanish, I am teaching myself the Ukulele and finally feeling like I am getting somewhere with it. I am organised with my food, and my room and my money. I am enjoying this immensely. But there is also a part of me that is deeply lonely. My Mum is the only one who I feel genuinely cares about how my day was, and we speak on a daily basis. I am blessed to be so close with her, and to be able to keep in contact with her so regularly.

I am finding myself spending an increasing amount of time in my room with the door shut, simply because I am afraid of going outside and being boring. I don't want to talk to people and tell them how my day was because, to tell you the truth, I don't think they care. I look forward to going to work, because with my couple, I feel truly appreciated and anything I am unhappy about disappears. I don't necessarily want to be doing extraordinary things each day. I am quite happy being ordinary. I get a lot of joy and satisfaction out of being ordinary and doing ordinary things.

And so I will continue. I will enjoy my extra-ordinary life and not worry about anything else. I am learning to nourish myself, educate myself, occupy myself, enjoy my own company and not depend on other people for my happiness and contentedness. (Although it can and does still effect how I feel, I don't rely on it.)

And on that note, I am going to sign off.

Love and warmth, xx

welcome to 2014 - changes, more changes

So I haven't written for a while - life has been pretty hectic. I've been to Wales, Devon and London over Christmas and the New Year, and had a ball. I feel too overwhelmed/motivated (funny mix..) to go into detail about the past couple of months, but there are a few things I'd like to touch on in this post, mostly things I've already written about in my journal and will add to this blog. (I have a little book I take everywhere with me to jot down notes, feelings, words, sketches..etc etc) 

Firstly, it is 2014 - happy new year!

I dislike New Years Resolutions but I have made a sort of 'to do' or 'to NOT do' list.. basically some changes that I want to happen in my life:

- get a part time job (just enough money to pay for food and rent and maybe a little on the side for things I care about)

- use my phone/internet less (there's real people to interact with!)

- read more

- do more yoga/stretching

- join a football club

- watch a live football match

- hitch hike more (Ireland??)

- [go skiing (Switzerland??)]

- go couch surfing

- [get a camera]

- busk

- keep learning the ukulele

- perfect acro so that we can perform!

- be more mindful and more generous

- continue writing & experimenting with spoken word, poetry, stories, etc

Wales

I went to Wales with my friend Matt who was doing a canoeing/kayaking course. We stayed with a beautiful woman called Helen, and met some truly wonderful people up there.

I really loved going to Wales, knowing that I would be exploring by myself, but also having no plans. I think it was really good for me to wander. I walked, I chatted to strangers, I took photos of sheep. I sang a lot. I visited castle ruins, I went to vintage shops, community galleries, mountain ranges. It was so refreshing to be outside in the cold and wind and rain. We stayed for longer than intended, extending our time day by day. I feel like I only just scratched the surface - there's so much more to explore up there around Llangollen/Llanberis/Snowdonia and I fully intend to visit again with a pair of hiking boots and a waterproof jacket, and probably a big group of friends.

  

Christmas in Devon

We hitchhiked to Devon, the first proper hitchhiking I've done. We had such a successful day, had four lifts with really interesting people, and made it in just over 6 hours (which is really good time!)

Devon was rainy, cold and muddy. I spent Christmas morning shovelling horse shit and muddy hay into a wheel barrow. I ripped my best skirt and tore the buttons off my vest. A horse bit my nipple and we didn't shower for days.  And I absolutely loved it. It was so nice to see the stars at night, and be surrounded by open space and green fields.

Over Christmas I started thinking about presents, and wants and needs. There wasn't really anything I wanted. Or needed this year. I'm pretty content with life. I was not expecting gifts. And I had no gifts to give either. And that was fine. Enjoyable. We exchanged food, and laughter and presence. And that was enough. (Although, I do tell a lie -  I received a pair of thermal tights and a pair of gloves, both very useable presents which I appreciated a lot!) But it just made me realise how nice it is not to waste anything. I am a bit of a hoarder, and a bit stingy I guess. I keep all the paper and string and ribbon and reuse it. I collect cardboard and paper and bubble wrap. I keep small pieces of twine that don't seem to be of any use. And when I posted some things home to Australia I didn't have to buy anything except stamps. I like that.

Something else I became super aware of was seeing people posting photos of all the gifts they received on Facebook/instagram/social media. Even if it was only posted because they felt spoilt or lucky or wanted to give thanks, I find it unnecessary. Yes, we all like to be spoilt; it is lovely to receive gifts, but its also really nice to just appreciate it without involving everyone on social media. I'm definitely not exempt from this. I've certainly done this before - I know that I overshare too. It's easy to forget that people see these things we post, it does not just disappear into that abyss that is the internet. This year I want to be more aware of that, and just be a bit less public (which seems contradictory since I'm writing a blog to be posted on the internet, which is accessible to all!) But that is something for me to work on!

London

I spent a few days in London over the New Year with my oldest friend Beth and her family. As much fun as I had there, I know that London is not the place for me! Its too rushed, too stressful, too normal! I felt that I had to sort of suppress myself, still be me, but be this different version. It just made me realise that I am truly happy and comfortable in Brighton. I'm not living a lifestyle that is considered normal - finish school, go to uni, get a job…etc etc. BORING! For me. Its just not what I want to be doing. I've found better things, things that test me and challenge me and make me happy in different ways. I'm learning more here than I think I would be if I was studying at a university. I think you should study something that you are interested in. And I'm interested in LIFE, in living! I am studying that. And I might not be getting A-grades, but I'm definitely learning a lot. This works for me. Just like university works for other people. It's all good. I think we need to trust more. Trust each other, trust our decisions. Accept that we are all different. And different things work for different people. Believe that the journey is just as important, if not more important than the destination. And this journey is absolutely amazing. Go with the flow, bro.

It's good to be home. Brighton is home.

Since I've been back…

I've been playing my ukulele; I've been singing, dancing, frolicking in the park; climbing trees; rolling around in the mud; making hummus. My friends from Australia came and stayed for a while. And it was just so nice. I knew it would be good, but it was just even better than I imagined. It was lovely to reminisce. To remember, to laugh. And to do new things. I really enjoyed showing them around Brighton. Having them in my home. It really was a blessing. And I was proud to introduce them to my new friends, and introduce my new friends to them. Because they're all such great people. 

I've been getting involved in some cool projects. 

My friend Tiana had an idea to get photos of naked women doing every day things (cleaning our teeth, climbing a tree, cooking…). Images that show our imperfections, that don't sexualise us. That just show us raw, organic and beautiful as we are. I'm keen to do this. It will be great to love my body, because it isn't perfect. Who even has a perfect body? And who are we to say that one body is better or more beautiful than another? Being different is beautiful. 

Luke and Charlie have been working hard on an amazing project that is really starting to take off, after years of planning and testing and tweaking and changing. (And this process is still going, its ever-changing!) I've been trying to understand Change The Future better. It is consuming them, but in a healthy and inspiring way. Our house is bubbling with ideas, overflowing with people and full of laughter and fun and home cooked food. We're all involved in some way or another, whether we mean to be or not. But its becoming pretty apparent that everyone has something offer. Whether it be coordinating events, helping with fundraising… cooking the dinner! Watch this space, its going to be huge. This IS going to change the future. And it is going to be mind blowing.

I am still pursuing my interests with circus and circus related things. I've been meeting new people who are interested in learning and teaching, and that motivates me to continue following this passion. But I am also doing new things! Experimenting, exploring and believing that I can! I wrote a spoken word piece, my first spoken word piece. Inspired, to an extent, by my housemate Lula, who is amazing with words and performance. Have a look at Lula's spoken word here!

So I'm finishing the blog with my spoken word piece. I have been sitting in the Emporium Cafe round the corner from my house for about four hours now, and am starting to feel a bit fidgety and peckish. Its time to go home and eat. And move around. Maybe do some stretches. And not be starring at a screen! I might even pick up my ukulele. Or continue reading my book. Or sew the patches onto my clothes that I ripped. Until next time. x

I moved to the sea

Where I’m happy and free

Where I can be ME

And I can just BE

Who I want to be, Yes, I can be free.

Not confined, not constrained

Cause that causes me pain

And I must explain,

It might seem mundane, 

But I must regain

Some spark, some spice...something that’s nice

I must find the hunger, while I’m still younger

Let’s be tested, be challenged, be questioned, find balance,

Be pushed, be pulled, be tricked, be fooled

But all the while learning,

And finding that yearning,

I’m feeling that burning,

And now I am turning...

To you... 

For support,

To teach, to be taught

Now I know I might snort,

And my face might contort

And then you will thwart,

What I thought that I knew,

Cause you can see through,

And what will ensue,

Is a brand new world view

I can’t thank you enough

Cause I know that its tough

Explaining that stuff

Without being gruff

But now I am...Chuffed

I’ve opened my eyes,

I’ve removed my disguise,

I’m feeling alive,

And now I can dive...

Into LIFE

Let’s be generous, humorous, glamorous, amorous.

So let us join forces, 

Let us be the sources, 

The one who enforces,

The use of resources

But we must be cautious

We’re insightful,

Not spiteful,

Cause life is delightful

Don’t be evil, harmful, hateful, hurtful

Be joyful, be mindful

We must arrange, to be the change

No firing range, no stock exchange

A mountain range, a corn exchange

So join together,

No matter the weather,

Together we tether,

A life that is BETTER

changes. again. a fresh start. again.

This is what I will do now. I'm making changes in my own way.

On Tuesday I quit my job street fundraising for Greenpeace. It is a good decision, the right decision. My reasons for leaving, though somewhat insignificant as they may seem by them self, all added up, and can result in a seriously shit time. I decided that Greenpeace is something that I really care about and I want to see truly passionate people out on the streets talking to people and raising money. I don’t think I am the right person to do that job, simply because I feel that I’m not able to put in all my effort. The skeptics, the loonies, the snide remarks and the downright rude comments, they all add up. It doesn’t affect some people, but it got to me. This doesn’t necessarily make me weak or sensitive. But it does mean that I’m not able to maintain my positive, motivated and enthusiastic attitude for the whole day. And as time wears on, albeit short, you wake up every day feeling just a little bit less like going to work, you don’t want to listen to that. Damn it, you don’t have to listen to that. And so I thought I should cut and run. I will put my time and effort into doing something where I feel I can truly make a difference. It will definitely involve Greenpeace. I plan on volunteering for our local team. Greenpeace is such a close-nit organisation, full of brave, inspiring, passionate, generous and awesome people, and I want to be part of that. But I don’t want to be paid for it. I want to do it for myself and for the earth. And for my parents and for my children. I want my parents to see change, change that the younger generation has fought for. I want them to see some of what we accomplish, what we achieve, what we protect. They won’t see everything we do. But environmental protection, environmental respect, that is possible. I want my parents to see the Arctic made into a global sanctuary. I want my parents to know that their grandchildren and great grandchildren are going to enjoy a planet free from fracking, oil drilling, unsustainable fishing, animal cruelty, cruelty to each other! The frustrating thing is IT IS possible. It is more than achievable. Let’s do it. 

It’s starts at a local level. You don’t need to be signing up to charities or organisations to make a difference. I’m not saying don’t sign up, because your donations are integral to the functioning of such organisations. But what I am saying is you can make huge changes by getting involved at a local level. Pick up rubbish (yes you might feel silly doing it, people might gawk at you, but just do it!). Sit down next to that homeless guy and have a chat. Don’t ignore him as you walk past, don’t look at him like he’s scum. Because he’s not. And he has a bloody interesting story to tell to someone who genuinely wants to listen. Take that freezing, starving girl out to dinner with you and get to know her. She is actually really funny. Give your spare change to buskers. Buy that Big Issue and read it. Visit your local soup kitchen or animal shelter or the old friend you haven’t seen in months because your life has been too hectic. (Not to be patronising about the busyness of our lives.) But come on, we can do this, we can make time for these moments. They are precious. Precious exchanges, precious hugs, precious conversations, precious memories. I definitely know that some of the people I have met have changed the course of my life. Not always in a dramatic way, but they’ve challenged me, questioned me, got me thinking and questioning myself and my beliefs. They’ve educated me, inspired me, laughed with me. And it has only happened because I’ve been open, and honest. I’ve listened because I’m genuinely interested. I have sat on the freezing concrete and chatted with homeless people. And its hard for them. Even for the short amount of time I was sitting there, I noticed the looks people give you. They are looks of disgust, fear, confusion. Try a smile. It could change someone’s day. And that is my point. Changing the world at a local level can require very little effort. And really we have no excuses for excluding ourselves from this. 

I’ve been questioned about my beliefs and yes, they may seem somewhat idealistic. But I think it’s important to dream big, to truly believe that this is possible. We can change the world. Yes, there is definitely a massive chance of being hugely disappointed and becoming jaded and losing faith in humanity. But don’t take away my enthusiasm and motivation to create change. I feel that I am very much in touch with reality. And I’m definitely aware of how shit things can be, how shit the world can be. And how I’m just a teensy tiny part of the bigger picture. But I think saying that as individuals, we don’t have the power to make change, is an excuse. It’s lazy. Everyone can make change in their own way. I will end this post with a quote that really resonates with me, and I think more people should consider this.

“A person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it” - Chinese Proverb

quietly. changes. realisation. appreciation.

This feels particularly relevant to me at present.

I have been super busy lately, but found some time whilst on the train on Thursday to write a bit.

I'm on the train to Southhampton for work. Currently have the time to collect my thoughts and reflect upon the last week or so, which has been hectic. Many things have happened, and many emotions have been felt. I've had my first week working for Greenpeace - a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally. It is hard work, but all very rewarding. I've met some truly inspiring people who restore my faith in this world and its future. But there have also been things that sadden me and dishearten me. I guess those things just teach you to preserve and keep on keeping on. This past week has been so busy I feel like I have not even had time to think. Its been good, but I'm not sure how long I can sustain this busy life style. Obviously we're still settling in to the demands of the job and balancing it with social and everyday life. Lack of sleep has been a struggle this week. There's too many interesting things going on and I don't want to miss out. We'll see if I stay working for Greenpeace... The hours might be too demanding. After all, I am here to live and work, and I intend to do plenty of living. I'll put all my effort into this job while I'm here, but I'm not opposed to looking for other work!

Last night I did an interview with my friend Alice for a study on health and well being, which basically involved me telling a (reasonably, but not really) brief account of my life so far. It took roughly 2 hours, with some questions at the end. I was honest, and it was quite emotional. It is really hard to talk about yourself, and we got into some pretty in deep stuff. Actually saying some of your thoughts out loud can be strange . I think it was a really good thing to do though. Putting my thoughts into words was hard at times, but a good exercise for my mind - a challenge. I opened up about many things I feel have shaped me as a person, but of course this process of learning and growing is ongoing. We never stop - people are ever-changing. And at times I still have no clue who I am and what I'm doing on this earth.

Today, Sunday 10th November. I woke and showered which helped to cleanse my mind a bit. I spent the morning catching up on things that needed doing - emails, sorting things out, cleaning, washing my clothes, etc. Quite therapeutic completing normal household tasks like that. I skyped with my parents - always an enjoyable time. I also skyped with my best friend Archie, who I haven't seen in months! My housemates and I walked to the beach and sat in the sun for a while. We observed the tourists taking photos on their iPads and tablets and smartphones. Technology is a strange thing.

Momo and I went to Foodilic in town where we had and all-you-can-eat 'snack'. I went to the oxfam shop and picked up a winter jacket, which is quite warm and cosy. Met up with some friends. Drank some hot chocolate. Went bin raiding. Came home. Watched Samsara, a beautiful and powerful and very disturbing documentary - a collection of images and scenes, with no dialogue, just music. It should be watched rather than explained. I want everyone to watch it.

I am very tired and need to sleep now. My body is tired from rock climbing on Saturday, and my mind if tired from thinking about life. There are many other things I wish to speak about, to post on this blog, but my eyes are flickering. Sleep is calling. And Jem has just turned up, sweaty and breathless from cycling. x

Coming to the realisation that this is my home now. Feeling pleasant.

I went to the movies with Faezeh and we saw Blue Jasmine. There was so much laughter. Such cherished moments.

Meet Len. I met him on the street while I was fundraising. We had a lovely conversation & he was very well read & educated on all current affairs including the situation with the Arctic 30. Then, on my lunch break we ended up sitting at the same table because there were no seats. He told me all about his views about the world, what needs to be done & how he'd go about it. This remarkable man is 97 & it was an honour to be able to speak with him. So blessed to have the opportunity to do this through my job!

i'm settled. fortunate. content. ready.

part one:

so it's been 10 days. gosh, only 10 days! i've been busy. i moved out of the hostel and into the house, which is very exciting. i got a mattress for £10 from a place called Shabitat (aka Magpie Recycling) on Lewes Road. i got a duvet, a pillow & some sheets, and i treated myself to a nice blanket made from recycled plastic fibres, sounds uncomfortable but it is so amazingly snuggly and warm. i've been to job trials and interviews. and i have been successful. i have got a job working as a street fundraiser for greenpeace uk. i have training in London next wednesday, and then it is a monday to friday job in and around brighton. this is exciting and a little bit daunting for me. but i'm happy. 

i went to London and saw the cat empire play at the o2 academy, brixton, with my housemate ren. they were amazing, and it was really lovely to see them perform with ren, who loves their music as much as i do. we talked about it on the train home early the next morning, all its elements, what makes it great, their obvious passion for song writing and performance. the energy they have on the stage. the light show and all the work that goes into making the performance what it is: spectacular! it makes me miss my brother a bit. i always think of him when i hear the cat empire playing live. such exciting memories of those performances we went to together. i'm sure we will go to some more in the future..

circus - and a deeper understanding of life. i met faezeh through jem, a friend of luke's. we played around in the pavillion gardens last week, doing some acro & various other circusy things. then we attended a circus class together last friday. we caught the bus and walked to this plain old brick church in a sort of industrial area - and then inside it was crammed with mats, trampolines, gymnastics equipment... i discovered that my handstand is all wrong - my shape is terrible. my muscles are not strong enough and i am not balanced. and that is fine, good even. i have something to really work towards. practice practice practice. the other students in the class were amazing. just average people, they didn't look exceptionally fit or flexible at first glance, but they were incredible. i would've been quite happy to sit there and watch. i almost didn't want to try anything! but i will get my fitness up and one day i will feel that we are at the same level. i have to look at it as a goal. i feel like the more i realise that there are things i cant do, the more i want to give them a go, and learn and practice and succeed, or fail, but at least experience them. i think that is probably a dang good thing really. i think that is becoming my goal for every aspect of my life. jobs. food. circus. map reading! i just have to put myself out there, and it will pay off - i am already seeing that. i also think it is a bit easier because i am feeling content, being in such an accepting and supportive group of people... it is very natural. everything is natural. natural. its a word that keeps popping up in everything i think about, or examine or analyse. the people i am around are natural. i'm in a place where being natural is accepted, encouraged. 

sometimes i do feel very young, and naive, and inexperienced. i am young. sometimes i feel like a fraud, like the words i say or the way i live my life isn't real or true. but that is because i am not 100% totally sure about myself, and my views and opinions. and i might never be. i mean, who am i? who the hell am i? there will always be doubts. i am living with people who are older and have had such interesting and soulful experiences and adventures. i have to keep reminding myself that when i am their age, i will be able to look back on this period of my life in the same way they describe their early 20s to me. it is a scary and brilliant time, with lots of exploring. every day i am challenged - i think about the world, i think about myself, and what i am doing in this world. and what i can do, and should do, and will do. my obligations, my responsibilities. my wants. my needs. things i'm greedy about. things i don't take enough notice of. things i care about too much. my priorities. my decisions. my choices. things i've missed out on. things i regret. things i plan to do. there is a lot to think about. 

i am in a hugely uncertain time in my life. and that is good. i am enjoying the uncertainty, because although it is uncertain, it is still safe. it is uncertain on my terms. i have the power to make it anything i want it to be. i have been reading about the greenpeace activists who are currently incarcerated in a russian prison on hooliganism charges (just down graded from piracy), and they are facing 7 years behind bars. now that is uncertainty. and it is certainly not on their terms. they can fight, and they will, but it is not their decision. and that is scary. i feel comfort knowing that i am in control. and that makes me want to help. i have power. i have a voice. i am in control. i can and will make mistakes, but what kind of mistakes will they be..?

part two:

some words that sum up my life right now:

natural - everything is okay, its organic, there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about

nourishing - the food, the people, the conversation, the atmosphere

free - i am holding my world in my hands, and i can do anything with it

educational - but just in the sense that everything is new and i am learning and changing and opening my eyes, and having my eyes opened by others, i am understanding, and seeing things from different perspectives. and i am open to this, finally!

real - this is not a dream, it is real, this is life and life is what you make it, and i am doing my best to make it beautiful and worthwhile 
fortunate - im so blessed, so lucky to be where i am. thank you to my family, my friends, a higher power?
content - on seeing/hearing that i am content my 'sister' said that it is "the best - happiness comes and goes, but contentment is a deeper 'good' feeling". she is right. i am content, right this moment. i am feeling quite neutral. neither happy nor sad. just content.

part three:

some words from my first night in the house.

Today I (officially) moved out of the hostel and into the share house I have been raving on about. It is quiet. Not sound quiet, but people quiet - movement quiet. There’s always noise and rhythm and singing and rapping coming from Ren’s room next door to mine, but it is sort of private, contained. Whereas at the hostel, even if no one else is around, it feels full, which it is. It’s not to say that it is a let down, or that I am unhappy being in the house, because that is certainly not the case. It was just the first time that I have been alone, just with my thoughts, in a couple of weeks. I got my stuff into the room, it was in a pile on the floor. And then, I just sat there for a good 20 minutes, not really thinking about anything in particular. But I couldn’t help but feel sadness. Its like taking a big deep breath when you haven’t taken one for a while. It is refreshing. I sat thinking about how the past couple of weeks have flown by. I cannot believe how quickly I adapted to life in the hostel, how friendships were cemented in those first few days, and how much I will miss being there, despite it being cramped, despite there being very little privacy. And now, here is another huge change. And its crazy really, when you think about it. But it feels good. It feels great. It is exciting and scary and unbelievable. 

My faith in people, in human kind has really been restored. People are beautiful and kind. They care. They trust. You know that a hug can say so much. And the people I have been meeting give good hugs. My brother has a certain way of hugging where you can just sink and feel totally comfortable and safe and lose track of all your thoughts. His hug is a special kind of hug. And then I met 2 people in particular here, who give that same kind of hug. Not exactly the same - but it felt like home. There is this touch of their hands where you just feel accepted and comfortable. It is beyond words - I cannot express it in words. It is a feeling. It puts a smile on my face. It is nice to have an arm around your shoulder...

part four:

Lastly I have written my impressions of everyone I have met so far - I do not intend to publish them without their permission. But here is one for you Pedro, thank you!

I was blessed to meet Pedro Ventura (yes that is his name). He took me to buy a towel on my first day at the hostel. I was an emotional wreck - I could not speak as I would cry. But he took me out. And I got my towel. And we got coffee. And we chatted. We talked about politics and how terrible they can be. We talked about education, and compared the systems in Australia and Portugal. We talked about rich people, and how money is such a waste. And you wouldn’t think we would have a conversation like that, because there is rarely a serious moment with Pedro now. His laugh is truly contagious. And usually whatever bollocks is coming out of his mouth is hilarious, there is always giggles and laughs with Pedro because he is “the best”..

i am very much enjoying writing again. i used to love writing, and then i lost it for a while. words are fascinating. putting a sentence together is thrilling. making a point, explaining something. telling a story. describing, documenting. i love it. thank you for reading.