i'm settled. fortunate. content. ready.

part one:

so it's been 10 days. gosh, only 10 days! i've been busy. i moved out of the hostel and into the house, which is very exciting. i got a mattress for £10 from a place called Shabitat (aka Magpie Recycling) on Lewes Road. i got a duvet, a pillow & some sheets, and i treated myself to a nice blanket made from recycled plastic fibres, sounds uncomfortable but it is so amazingly snuggly and warm. i've been to job trials and interviews. and i have been successful. i have got a job working as a street fundraiser for greenpeace uk. i have training in London next wednesday, and then it is a monday to friday job in and around brighton. this is exciting and a little bit daunting for me. but i'm happy. 

i went to London and saw the cat empire play at the o2 academy, brixton, with my housemate ren. they were amazing, and it was really lovely to see them perform with ren, who loves their music as much as i do. we talked about it on the train home early the next morning, all its elements, what makes it great, their obvious passion for song writing and performance. the energy they have on the stage. the light show and all the work that goes into making the performance what it is: spectacular! it makes me miss my brother a bit. i always think of him when i hear the cat empire playing live. such exciting memories of those performances we went to together. i'm sure we will go to some more in the future..

circus - and a deeper understanding of life. i met faezeh through jem, a friend of luke's. we played around in the pavillion gardens last week, doing some acro & various other circusy things. then we attended a circus class together last friday. we caught the bus and walked to this plain old brick church in a sort of industrial area - and then inside it was crammed with mats, trampolines, gymnastics equipment... i discovered that my handstand is all wrong - my shape is terrible. my muscles are not strong enough and i am not balanced. and that is fine, good even. i have something to really work towards. practice practice practice. the other students in the class were amazing. just average people, they didn't look exceptionally fit or flexible at first glance, but they were incredible. i would've been quite happy to sit there and watch. i almost didn't want to try anything! but i will get my fitness up and one day i will feel that we are at the same level. i have to look at it as a goal. i feel like the more i realise that there are things i cant do, the more i want to give them a go, and learn and practice and succeed, or fail, but at least experience them. i think that is probably a dang good thing really. i think that is becoming my goal for every aspect of my life. jobs. food. circus. map reading! i just have to put myself out there, and it will pay off - i am already seeing that. i also think it is a bit easier because i am feeling content, being in such an accepting and supportive group of people... it is very natural. everything is natural. natural. its a word that keeps popping up in everything i think about, or examine or analyse. the people i am around are natural. i'm in a place where being natural is accepted, encouraged. 

sometimes i do feel very young, and naive, and inexperienced. i am young. sometimes i feel like a fraud, like the words i say or the way i live my life isn't real or true. but that is because i am not 100% totally sure about myself, and my views and opinions. and i might never be. i mean, who am i? who the hell am i? there will always be doubts. i am living with people who are older and have had such interesting and soulful experiences and adventures. i have to keep reminding myself that when i am their age, i will be able to look back on this period of my life in the same way they describe their early 20s to me. it is a scary and brilliant time, with lots of exploring. every day i am challenged - i think about the world, i think about myself, and what i am doing in this world. and what i can do, and should do, and will do. my obligations, my responsibilities. my wants. my needs. things i'm greedy about. things i don't take enough notice of. things i care about too much. my priorities. my decisions. my choices. things i've missed out on. things i regret. things i plan to do. there is a lot to think about. 

i am in a hugely uncertain time in my life. and that is good. i am enjoying the uncertainty, because although it is uncertain, it is still safe. it is uncertain on my terms. i have the power to make it anything i want it to be. i have been reading about the greenpeace activists who are currently incarcerated in a russian prison on hooliganism charges (just down graded from piracy), and they are facing 7 years behind bars. now that is uncertainty. and it is certainly not on their terms. they can fight, and they will, but it is not their decision. and that is scary. i feel comfort knowing that i am in control. and that makes me want to help. i have power. i have a voice. i am in control. i can and will make mistakes, but what kind of mistakes will they be..?

part two:

some words that sum up my life right now:

natural - everything is okay, its organic, there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about

nourishing - the food, the people, the conversation, the atmosphere

free - i am holding my world in my hands, and i can do anything with it

educational - but just in the sense that everything is new and i am learning and changing and opening my eyes, and having my eyes opened by others, i am understanding, and seeing things from different perspectives. and i am open to this, finally!

real - this is not a dream, it is real, this is life and life is what you make it, and i am doing my best to make it beautiful and worthwhile 
fortunate - im so blessed, so lucky to be where i am. thank you to my family, my friends, a higher power?
content - on seeing/hearing that i am content my 'sister' said that it is "the best - happiness comes and goes, but contentment is a deeper 'good' feeling". she is right. i am content, right this moment. i am feeling quite neutral. neither happy nor sad. just content.

part three:

some words from my first night in the house.

Today I (officially) moved out of the hostel and into the share house I have been raving on about. It is quiet. Not sound quiet, but people quiet - movement quiet. There’s always noise and rhythm and singing and rapping coming from Ren’s room next door to mine, but it is sort of private, contained. Whereas at the hostel, even if no one else is around, it feels full, which it is. It’s not to say that it is a let down, or that I am unhappy being in the house, because that is certainly not the case. It was just the first time that I have been alone, just with my thoughts, in a couple of weeks. I got my stuff into the room, it was in a pile on the floor. And then, I just sat there for a good 20 minutes, not really thinking about anything in particular. But I couldn’t help but feel sadness. Its like taking a big deep breath when you haven’t taken one for a while. It is refreshing. I sat thinking about how the past couple of weeks have flown by. I cannot believe how quickly I adapted to life in the hostel, how friendships were cemented in those first few days, and how much I will miss being there, despite it being cramped, despite there being very little privacy. And now, here is another huge change. And its crazy really, when you think about it. But it feels good. It feels great. It is exciting and scary and unbelievable. 

My faith in people, in human kind has really been restored. People are beautiful and kind. They care. They trust. You know that a hug can say so much. And the people I have been meeting give good hugs. My brother has a certain way of hugging where you can just sink and feel totally comfortable and safe and lose track of all your thoughts. His hug is a special kind of hug. And then I met 2 people in particular here, who give that same kind of hug. Not exactly the same - but it felt like home. There is this touch of their hands where you just feel accepted and comfortable. It is beyond words - I cannot express it in words. It is a feeling. It puts a smile on my face. It is nice to have an arm around your shoulder...

part four:

Lastly I have written my impressions of everyone I have met so far - I do not intend to publish them without their permission. But here is one for you Pedro, thank you!

I was blessed to meet Pedro Ventura (yes that is his name). He took me to buy a towel on my first day at the hostel. I was an emotional wreck - I could not speak as I would cry. But he took me out. And I got my towel. And we got coffee. And we chatted. We talked about politics and how terrible they can be. We talked about education, and compared the systems in Australia and Portugal. We talked about rich people, and how money is such a waste. And you wouldn’t think we would have a conversation like that, because there is rarely a serious moment with Pedro now. His laugh is truly contagious. And usually whatever bollocks is coming out of his mouth is hilarious, there is always giggles and laughs with Pedro because he is “the best”..

i am very much enjoying writing again. i used to love writing, and then i lost it for a while. words are fascinating. putting a sentence together is thrilling. making a point, explaining something. telling a story. describing, documenting. i love it. thank you for reading.