I've had tears in my eyes a lot of late. At first it was tears because I was completely overwhelmed. Then it was tears of self-hate. Then it was tears of sadness and loss and confusion. And more recently there have been tears of hope. Tears of gratitude. Of pure enjoyment and delight and excitement.
The past year, as you probably already know by my other blogs, has been massive. Full of changes and challenges, surprises, lessons, love, experiences.. It has included some of the most difficult things I have had to deal with and also some of the most amazing, positive experiences and opportunities in my life, thus far. I've had more ups and downs than a merry-go-round. I've been the saddest I've ever been and also the happiest. I've been utterly depressed with life and I have also been just ridiculously excited about life and its possibilities. Big decisions have been made, and important lessons have been learnt. And, of course, the more I learn, the more I realise I don't know. And that is actually an incredibly refreshing realisation.
But the reason for writing this blog is gratitude. I am grateful for so much. So much! Recently my emotions have been going a bit crazy. My family visited which completely threw me. I have had more than a year of missing them beyond words. Counting down the days, the hours, until I could see them next, and I was totally blessed to have my parents and my nephew come over to visit me for a very special 21st birthday. And it was strange and unreal to see them at first. And then we just slipped back into being completely comfortable with each other. Straight back into feeling all the nuances and dynamics of family life.
The first morning in Tremezzo I woke up and sat outside in the sunshine, and through the trees I could see Lake Como sparkling. The immense beauty, not just of the sparkling lake and the trees, but also of the situation, the reality of having my family together again after more than a year was just so inordinately wonderful that it brought me to tears. It was painful. I was feeling real, physical pain in my body from gratitude and thankfulness. How lucky I am to be loved and surrounded and supported by these incredible people.
But of course, families can be testing. I think subconsciously I was telling myself that it'd be easier for us to part again if it wasn't peachy. I was grumpy. On the night before my birthday I barely got any sleep so when it came to being host at my little birthday gathering I struggled. I wasn't feeling social. And then I felt guilty for not wanting to interact and enjoy the company of the people who I care most about. That caused tears. And I was genuinely upset that night. I did, for a small portion of the night, genuinely hate myself. I felt sickened by who I was. By my behaviour and my inability to appreciate the presence of all of these people who love me and who I love, deeply. (Even now, I find it difficult to admit and accept and even say that there really are people who love me here. It is sometimes easier to feel a little lonely, especially now, when at the back of my mind I'm always reminded of the fact that I will be going back to Australia in 8 months...) But, love prevails, doesn't it. It's not just the stuff of fairytales and romantic films.. My birthday was spectacular. And the night ended in laughter, tears and laughter, and cake and games and music. And really it was exactly as I'd hoped it to be.
And then it finished, almost as soon as it had begun. And I found myself saying goodbye to my family again, at a train station. Crying and feeling my heart being wrenched from my chest and stomped on. And then the paranoia set in. I don't have a house, no fixed abode, no cosy bedroom to go home to, no where that is mine. I don't have my van yet, and will my savings really cover all the costs..? I don't have anything planned or organised for the next couple of months, or for the next 8 months really.. There's vague ideas.. And I was feeling lost again. Left on the other side of the world, again. With no real plan, just an idea.. And I'd convinced everyone, including myself that it'd be sweet! Fuck.
And then all of a sudden, the stress of trying to organise all my belongings and where I'm going to sleep and how I'm going to go about viewing vans when I don't have a clue what I'm looking for and how I'm going to get there when public transport is constantly delayed or cancelled got to me, and there just isn't time to be feeling sorry for myself. I'm busy. I'm taking the reins and I am getting on with life. I'm excited. And I have been so amazed at how generous and giving people are. In the last couple of days, I have been given a bed to sleep in, I've been cooked for, I've had people buy meals for me, I've been given lifts, I've had friends who I haven't spoken to in ages ring up to give me advice on vans and engines, I've had a friend offer me his van, and another friend lend me her car! The universe rewards you when you take a huge leap into the unknown. And I feel so calm and excited and trusting when I think about what is yet to come. And that has caused tears too. I am feeling so much gratitude for the people around me, the opportunities, the unknown, that again, I find myself with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. And this is how I felt a year ago when I took a leap and came overseas to a city I'd never visited with no plan, no job, no house, and survived. More than survived - THRIVED! This time has been different though. This time, I have been blessed by having friends around me to support me, cuddle me, encourage me and believe in me. I am not alone. I've come full circle. I'm ready to go again. There's new and exciting opportunities awaiting me. Places waiting to be explored, people waiting to be met.
So, off I go again, into the big wide world. See you there. xxx
