a visit to the republic of ireland

recently, i went to southern ireland with no plans, my camera & a change of clothes.

She said "You have weird hobbies" and I stopped and thought for a moment. Yes, I suppose I do have quite strange hobbies and interests. Much of my time in Ireland has been spent climbing over fences into abandoned buildings and exploring and taking photos and imagining times gone by. Everywhere I have travelled I have spent time in cemeteries, reading the grave stones, conjuring up pictures of those who have left us in my head. Imagining the families left behind. I find it fascinating to be given a name and a date and then you can just let your imagination do the rest. It's the same with abandoned, falling down, dilapidated buildings - you get this little insight into what once was, and you can almost see it in its glory days. And then you see it fast forward over time to what it is now.. deteriorated, left, abandoned, disused, not needed anymore. What happened? Why was it left? What stories come from inside? Who worked there? 

I love travelling alone, to funny little places, falling down areas, farmland, old industrial towns.. There's always things to look at. You don't have to deal with hundreds of tourists; it is cheap as chips (especially if you're couch surfing) and there's so much time and space - no queues, no tickets for entry. Not many restrictions at all. Perhaps it is a tad selfish, wanting to travel this way, but I guess at the same time as giving me a huge amount of freedom, it also tests my capability as a solo traveller, and also as a person. It is funny - I have times where I crave solitude, but also times where I want nothing more than to be with people, interacting, engaging, conversing.. I guess travelling alone actually does, in a funny way, make you need to speak to strangers more, whether it be asking for directions or hitching or finding a place to stay, through couch surfing or other ways.. It pushes you into interacting with strangers out of necessity, rather than being isolated in your travelling group. And I like that. It gives you the opportunity to make quite solid connections quite quickly and then you move on. You might keep in contact, you might not. But from my experience, the memories are fond ones and will stick with me for years to come.

The first portrait below is of a lovely Irishman named Micheál. I wandered into his second hand book shop in Ballinasloe.. The first thing he did was offer me a cup of tea, which I gladly accepted. He reminded me a bit of Billy Connolly with his big moustache and long grey hair and his animated way of speaking - with such enthusiasm! I have to say, there was a bit of confusion on my part for a significant portion of our 2 hour long conversation! I struggled with the accent a bit. He spoke very quickly - but I had no trouble understanding him when he referred to the "feckin bastards!" He told me all about his travels to Australia and about friends who had come back to visit him. He told me about his Irish heritage and things he used to do as a child ("ooh how the times have changed.."). He told me about his boat and about his grown up children, with such pride. He let me take his photo and gave me his business card. And when I went to purchase the book I'd been looking at he just said, "have it, it's been grand chattin' to ya!" We shook hands and parted ways. But it wouldn't surprise me if we ran into each other again somewhere along the way...

portraits || clara / ballinasloe / dublin

Micheál, The Oat Gallery, Ballinasloe

Woman, Dublin

Street Performer, Dublin
Performing songs by Edith Piaf

Busker, Dublin

Self Portrait, Ballinasloe

inchmore house, clara || abandoned stately home

wanderings || clara & ballinasloe

Abandoned Mill, Clara

St Brigid's Hospital
"Lunatic Asylum"

Abandoned Warehouse, Ballinasloe

Abandoned Warehouse, Ballinasloe

House, Ballinasloe

St Brigid's Hospital, Ballinasloe
"Lunatic Asylum"

Opposite St Brigid's Hospital, Ballinasloe

St Brigid's Hospital, Ballinasloe

Derelict Building, Clara

In the dark of the morning, before the sun had risen, I was on a train back to Dublin from Clara.

Mist is rising over the frosty fields. The sky is just becoming light with tones of orange and purple - a beautiful backdrop for the silhouettes of cows and trees and barbed wire fences. We are plunged into darkness when trees line the tracks and then emerge back out into the light as the foliage peters out. Part of me wants to get my camera out. But the photos wouldn't do it justice. I think I will just have to enjoy it.

And once the sun was up, I did get my camera out!

Thanks for reading!

being brave in the modern world

I have been a bit withdrawn. Overwhelmed by life and emotions and relationships and fear and missing home and feeling isolated and feeling surrounded and unsure and ecstatic and depressed. It has been an unusual and challenging time and a definitive learning curve for me.

Usually when I am feeling confused or upset, I write. I write in my journal and try my best to articulately and honestly express how I am feeling in the hope that I can understand those feelings more and do something to bring the positivity back! However, over the last few months, I could not write. I did not know what to write. The words were gone. I couldn't explain how I was feeling. I did not know how I was feeling but there wasn't a great deal of happiness. (And I wasn't fully aware of that until a close friend commented that over the last few months there had been a 'sadness about me' and that they had been unsure of how to approach me because I kept myself locked away from everyone. This was upsetting. But something I needed to hear.) As much as I don't want to talk about this sadness or dwell on it, I feel it is important to express what happened, for me, so that if I feel that way again, I know how to get out of it. And I understand the effect it has on those around me. Because I really could feel myself becoming increasingly withdrawn and unsatisfied with my life, what I'm doing with it and who I associate with (and it upsets me that I was feeling that way towards people whom I hold in such high regard).

I guess I have just been on massive year-long roller coaster... and I have been having the most important, painful, challenging, educational, emotional experiences I've ever had. The biggest challenge for me is being kind. My housemate Lula often reminds me to 'be kind to myself' and I always find myself ignoring her advice. But my Mum tells me the same thing, she says 'don't castigate yourself, Grace!' I am very hard on myself. And I am also very hard on other people. Too hard. And I think that because of that sometimes I cripple myself. I am so afraid of failure that I won't even let myself try. I expect other people to be as hard on me as I am on myself. But people are very forgiving, and understanding. And encouraging! We all make mistakes, and if we didn't, we would not learn. And, boy I have been learning a lot!

I rely a lot on other people for my happiness. Far too much. (And you might think, it's okay to be happy because of other people. You're quite right. But my happiness cannot and will not be determined by someone else's actions. I want people to add to my happiness. I want to share my happiness with others and I want to be able to let people share their happiness with me - and also their grief and excitement and nervousness and everything.) But I also need to be brave enough to not rely on people, and even more so, not blame other people when I am unhappy. 

I am completely, irrationally scared of doing things by myself.. (untrue, you might say - you went overseas to a place you had never been,  where you knew no one, had no job, no house, no plan...and have lasted a year and counting). I am capable, but I am still learning, very slowly. In my own time. I have been quietly proud of myself lately - I've had a couple of little victories. For example, I have been going climbing with a friend of mine, and getting quite into it. But I have only been going with him. And feeling a bit like I'm following him around once we're there, relying on him to tell me which climbs to try. So I thought, I can do this myself. I need to be brave and just do it; not analyse it or think about it, just do it. And I did. I went climbing, by myself, for a good 2 hours. I chatted to people there, asked for advice on different climbs and generally had a lovely time. And then I cycled 5 miles home instead of getting the train. I was buzzing when I got home. I used to play so much sport in Australia but it is hard for me to commit to things over here because of my job & also because I want to be free to travel. But I can climb whenever I want, there aren't set times, like playing a football match or doing a weekly class. I've missed being breathless and sweaty and red faced. It is such a satisfying feeling! I'm excited to continue it!

I am also scared of missing out. I hate missing out on events, or missing out on food, or an opportunity to go out. I also hate making plans that fall through and then being too afraid to do things by myself. This in particular has been something I struggled with a lot. I conversed at length with a friend of mine a few months ago about my intense frustration at unreliable people. I got so incredibly worked up. I think she was slightly shocked at how much it upset me. But it came back to me being scared to do anything by myself, and then blaming someone else for my inability to be independent. 

The other night I was invited out, and then plans fell through. I suggested to my housemates to go out, messaged a couple of friends, no one was interested. And the more it seemed nothing was going to happen, the more annoyed I got. Then I spontaneously decided to accompany a friend on his cycle to work at midnight! Instead of cycling straight home, I loitered at the seafront, taking it all in. All the  partygoers, skate rats, homeless people, musicians... and it brought a smile to my face. It was so nice just to be out of the house. Eventually I decided to head home. I love cycling. I rode along London Road, past the Cowley Club and heard some music that made me want to dance. I stopped and listened. You can't just walk into the Cowley Club. It is all boarded up of a night, and you have to ring a bell to gain entry. I cycled back and forth about 4 times before I finally plucked up the courage to go in... I was rewarded. I went in. I danced. And then a friend of mine turned up and we danced together for a couple of hours. It was such a wonderful night. 

So, I am feeling more capable. More brave. I feel more hope and less judgement from the world. I have to remember that people really do want to connect. But we're all afraid. We're all nervous to make that first move. To take that leap and talk to a stranger. Or make eye contact. Or smile. But deep down, we yearn for that connection. I wish we would all be ever-so-slightly more brave.. The world would be a happier place because of it.

I am determined to be more brave. In this modern, technological world, we have to be socially brave. We don't tip our hats to strangers anymore, we don't even say good morning as we walk down the street. We snapchat and instagram and tinder and whatsapp and Facebook.. We're more 'social' than ever, but now we struggle with real human connection. It's time to change that and bring it back. I challenge you (and me) to do that. Let's engage and converse and interact with each other!

Go on. Off you trot.

Buckets of love xxx

money and it's value

I am good with money. I always have been. But recently I have been struggling. Not a huge amount, but enough that I have had to borrow some. And it has made me think about it's value. I love working and getting that pay cheque and feeling proud that I've earned it. But then it doesn't seem to go very far. After rent and bills and travel expenses to and from work and food and my donations to a couple of charities and unavoidable, unexpected things that happen, there doesn't seem to be much left. And then what about treating myself, or treating other people? What about saving for upcoming travels and trips and holidays? After all I am on a working holiday. I don't spend money on alcohol, I usually settle for water. I don't eat out very often. I don't go shopping very often. Occasionally I pick up something nice from a charity shop. A significant portion of my money seems to go towards food, but that is important and something that I take great delight in. My diet is the best it has ever been. (And according to recent blood tests I am totally healthy so I must be doing something right there!)

I guess I feel like I work a lot and I work hard at my jobs. And I love them. It costs me between £3.50 and £10.50 to get to and from work, which doesn't seem like much in the scheme of things, but it all adds up. And maybe I shouldn't have accepted a job where I have to pay to get there, but 15 miles is slightly too far to cycle. You seem to have to make a choice between earning enough money to live and a finding a job you actually enjoy. I feel blessed to have the jobs I do and to have the flexibility I have with them as well. But it is always a slightly stressful time when rent is due. 

The hard part about my care jobs is that they are shift work so I find myself filling in time or working overtime for free (which I am certainly not complaining about, because often my 'work' just feels like hanging out with friends anyway or cooking or cleaning or folding washing which I enjoy!) but then I come home feeling like I have been working for 12 hours straight and I'm only get paid for 8 hours, and then I have to take into account travel expenses too. My babysitting job is good, I cycle there so I don't have to worry about paying for public transport. But that fluctuates. Some weeks I might have 3 shifts of 4 hours. Other weeks I might have nothing. So I don't really look at it as a reliable income, I just see it as some extra money on the side.

So the problem of paying for public transport. Firstly, it is not possible for my employers to cover my travel expenses (we have looked into this). Another problem with public transport is that it is UNreliable! The amount of times I have been late to work because my train has been delayed or cancelled or whatever! My answer to this is to problem is to (unfortunately) not use public transport. I have been looking into getting a scooter/motorcycle license. Again, an expensive thing to do (£90 and 3 days to do my CBT course). And first, I have to exchange my Australian license to a UK license (about £50!) And then there is the cost of buying a scooter or bike, getting insurance and storing it somewhere or paying for street parking! It's a tough one. But something I am seriously considering.

Travelling and holidays are something I should be doing while I am here. I am on a Working Holiday VISA and I intend to do lots of both those things, and enjoy them! I have a few exciting trips coming up, and if I follow my current trend of spending (based on past little getaways) then I shouldn't need to spend a huge amount of money. But still, it is money. I've got little jars where I put spare pennies. I try not to rely on my debit card and only use the cash I withdraw to pay for food and travel, but obviously that is not always possible. 

The good thing about not having much money is that you really learn to prioritise. And you find ways of doing things that cost less. Couch surfing instead of paying for accommodation, lift sharing instead of paying for transport, bin raiding for extra food, learning to fix your bike yourself instead of paying for someone else to tinker with it, taking a packed lunch instead of buying food, having clothes swaps with your friends instead of going on shopping sprees for a new wardrobe, making your own cleaning products instead of buying them, buying food in bulk/from wholesalers/farmers markets, using Freecycle or the Freebies section of Gumtree, getting your hair cut for free as a 'hair model' for trainee hairdressers... (Fun fact, I have only bought shampoo twice since I left Australia!)

So I feel like I am good when it comes to money. But the cost of living is just so ridiculous. I still want to be able to enjoy myself and unfortunately sometimes spending money is inevitable. But I am still so lucky to be pretty much financially free and have the opportunities to do the things that I am doing; to work for amazing people; to live with amazing people; and to be surrounded by wonderful things and places. Life still tastes pretty sweet, and I don't think money could pay for half the good things in my life right now. The things I value most don't even have a monetary value. And that is how things will stay.

So, with love. Until next time, G xx


Some images of things that are great!

Updates from the family back home.

The best job ever!

Babysitting - reminding me there is no rush to have kids yet!

Warmer weather and spontaneous outings.

Friends and housemates - old and new.

Caring for the care worker ( and people in general )

Everyone needs a bit of love and affection every now and then. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. Everyone needs to be reminded they are important and needed. But at the very least everyone needs to be acknowledged. Something I have noticed from being a care worker is that the carers are often just sort of in the background, somewhat invisible. We (society) seem to have this way of over-compensating when it comes to disabled people. What should be common curtesy towards everyone seems, at times, to be non-existent for us, as care workers and completely over the top, to the point where is seems insincere to disabled people. Obviously, that is a massive generalisation. But there have been numerous times when I've felt like I'm invisible, or like I am a maid or someone to be seen and not heard. I can imagine what it would be like to be an assistant, or a friend or a colleague of a high profile person. Things would not get done without these people, but they are so often forgotten or ignored. Cleaners, shop assistants, waitresses, bar staff, PA's, rubbish collectors.. In Japan, if you are employed, you are automatically respected. You are giving back to society. It doesn't matter if you're a high flying CEO or a street sweeper. Your job is important. Your role is integral to the functioning of everyday life.

This is not something I have only become aware of through care work, but it was not something I expected to feel. When I was working in the hospitality industry there were times when I felt like I was not good enough because I was clearing plates away or washing dishes or mopping floors. But (unfortunately) that is not an uncommon feeling amongst those working in that industry. As I was saying, we over-compensate. We feel that we have to be overly nice to disabled people (which is great, we should be friendly and caring). But why should that attitude cease to exist with the rest of the population. We should treat everyone with respect, regardless of ability, gender, job, religion, skin colour, etc etc etc! A smile goes a long way. So does a compliment. Or inclusion in a conversation!

I only really got thinking about this today when I was getting cups of tea for the couple I work for in the cafe we go to each week. We go there so often that all of the staff know us, they know how they like their tea, they always say a big hello to us (and I presumed I was included in that). Today, the tea cups were a bit too full, so I went to tip some out. One of the women apologised to me saying that she knows how they usually have it but didn't realise it was for them because she only saw me. I have ordered their tea on countless occasions. I guess it is a petty thing to be annoyed about, so I'm not annoyed. I'm merely observing.

When bumping into their friends in the street, or going to the bank I feel ignored. I felt ignored when we went to the Haemophilia Centre and saw the doctors and nurses. I'm just another PA. I make a point of thanking people, and saying goodbye, but they're already looking at their computer screen or paperwork again. I don't think the teller in the bank has ever made eye contact with me despite my efforts to engage.

Perhaps I am only feeling this because I'm feeling a bit invisible in general right now. A bit unnoticed. It's funny. I am more active and busy right now than I have been for a while, but I have to be because I don't feel like I am getting much out of certain other areas of my life. I am working a lot (three jobs), I am studying Spanish, I am teaching myself the Ukulele and finally feeling like I am getting somewhere with it. I am organised with my food, and my room and my money. I am enjoying this immensely. But there is also a part of me that is deeply lonely. My Mum is the only one who I feel genuinely cares about how my day was, and we speak on a daily basis. I am blessed to be so close with her, and to be able to keep in contact with her so regularly.

I am finding myself spending an increasing amount of time in my room with the door shut, simply because I am afraid of going outside and being boring. I don't want to talk to people and tell them how my day was because, to tell you the truth, I don't think they care. I look forward to going to work, because with my couple, I feel truly appreciated and anything I am unhappy about disappears. I don't necessarily want to be doing extraordinary things each day. I am quite happy being ordinary. I get a lot of joy and satisfaction out of being ordinary and doing ordinary things.

And so I will continue. I will enjoy my extra-ordinary life and not worry about anything else. I am learning to nourish myself, educate myself, occupy myself, enjoy my own company and not depend on other people for my happiness and contentedness. (Although it can and does still effect how I feel, I don't rely on it.)

And on that note, I am going to sign off.

Love and warmth, xx

where my life is at || care work

I go through waves of being insanely busy and then having a lot of spare time. When I'm busy I often get more done - hence why I am now writing another post. Lots has been happening. I feel that every time I write a new post I start by saying that I've been busy and things have been changing - but that's life. So I'll just catch you up on the past month quickly, and then I want to focus more on something close to my heart - my job.

Walking in Lewes

Refreshing

Walking in Lewes

Since last time I wrote I have been to Austria and caught up with an old primary school friend; made new friends and talked about the possibility of setting up a vegan food business; watched new love flourish; made more time for yoga and meditation in my life; been on a very long walk; gone skinny dipping TWICE; started learning how to fix my bikes at Brighton's Circus Street Bike Hub; volunteered at VegFest started Woodcraft Folk again; started trying to set up a local six-a-side competition…just to list a few things.

Skiing in Lech am Arlberg, Austria

Blessed with a beautiful sunset on my first night in Lech

Care Work

Doing care work was not something I ever really considered, but I am so glad I decided to give it a go because it is such a wonderful, fulfilling job. I really couldn't complain about anything, except that the trains seem to be delayed, late or cancelled more often than not! Thankfully the couple I care for are very understanding and it is not such a problem.

My job involves cooking, cleaning, chair pushing, administrative duties, help with shopping, assistance on outings, washing clothes, organising medication. But you know what, that's just the job description. That isn't even half of it. There is laughter, there are cuddles, there is eating, there are outings, there's cheekiness, cups of tea, crude jokes and there's more care than you would think - from all of us. There is friendship. These guys are my friends. And the care and love I feel for them was unexpected. But beautiful. And I am beyond grateful.

There are little things that we do, little things that happen, that remind me how lucky I am to be in their lives. To play a part, to enjoy their happiness, to feel their pain and frustration and help them through it, to try to understand things from their point of view. Its such a blessing.

She and I have girl talks together. And she tells me things that you would tell a best friend. She lets me in on secrets, explains her feelings and things that she is missing out on, or things that she is lucky enough to be part of. (Although I would like to go into detail about these things, I don't feel it is appropriate to divulge anything personal. But you would probably understand the situation more if you were to know.) And her laughter is contagious. Her excitement. And her brain. She has the most incredible memory. She is better than any calendar or diary. I'm blown away. Her positivity and her care is inspirational. (And I don't use that word lightly.)

He and I go into town together. Him in his electric wheelchair, up the hill. Me cycling beside him. Him beeping his horn and flashing his lights. Me ringing my bell. Just like naughty school kids. We're little rebels. His sense of humour is just terrible. I was missing my Dad's jokes; not anymore! They are just the worst, cringe-worthy! And brilliant. The way he laughs when he tells a bad joke, so cheeky. His memory is shocking. Sometimes he can't even remember what he asked me to put on his sandwich! But that is why they work so well together. He calms her down when she gets stressed or anxious. He makes her laugh. And that is why they work so well together.

I am filled with joy when I go to work. I didn't think I would say that about work. There have been times when I've gone to work in a bad mood and come home feeling so happy and refreshed because they make it so enjoyable and remind me that there is no time for being moody when you're surrounded by such happiness! This job is so rewarding. So fulfilling. And there are days where I feel like I  get more out of it than they do.

So thank you guys. For opening my eyes, and including me in your lives. My time with you is precious. I hope to make many more happy memories with you.

Much love x

Seven Months Away From Home

Well, I've been overseas for just over seven months now. Still enjoying it immensely, but starting to miss home. And perhaps appreciate it a bit more. Appreciate unexpected things. I'm really missing familiarity and safety. But its funny what I associate with familiarity and safety.  More than anything I just want to go home and have my Mum cook for me, nothing beats a feast cooked by her. And I want to sit with her on the couch, sewing or stitching or knitting, and watching TV.. Grand Designs, New Tricks, Doc Martin.. (Funnily enough, all English programs!) We don't have a TV in our house here, which is nice. But sometimes it is also nice to just veg out.



I want to go for a walk with my Dad along the creek and to the dam. And I want him to make ridiculous Dad jokes. I want to see that look on his face where we know he's just about to make a joke, his mind is ticking over, checking it. I want to cuddle my nieces and nephews who are growing up faster than I can comprehend. I want to go for a drive along the country roads I know so well. I want to appreciate the mountains that surround my house. I want to hear the thud and beat of hooves as the horses gallop over the hill. I want to sit in the warmth on the grass in my backyard, looking out across the valley, listening to the breeze rustling through the banana leaves. I want to climb the fig tree - something that always takes me back to feeling like a child again.

I want to walk to our workshop and just look. Look at all the things. The shelves of glass bottles and broken toys and dried insects. Bags of clay waiting to be used. Pegs. Colourful pegs. I want to appreciate the handmade birds hanging from the ceiling, gathering dust. They've been there as long as I can remember - twenty years. I used to sit under them in my cot while my Mum painted and engraved. The print hanging on the door. I want to hear the ceiling creaking and cracking as it expands in the heat
in the middle of the day.

I want to hear my neighbour and her dogs walk past to check the cows. I want to smell the jasmine that grows on our fence. I want to go outside and hear nothing. Nothing but life. Birds. Cows. Or nothing. Some days there is complete silence. I want to drive to general store on a Saturday morning and get the newspapers and fresh bread rolls for breakfast..


I want. I want. I want.

I want to appreciate. And I am. And somehow, part of me actually feels it too.


So it's okay. Because today, being here, is so special and comforting and safe and familiar in its own way. And I love it. And I love the people. And I love the food! And I love the unknown. What will happen next?

I love Brighton!

welcome to 2014 - changes, more changes

So I haven't written for a while - life has been pretty hectic. I've been to Wales, Devon and London over Christmas and the New Year, and had a ball. I feel too overwhelmed/motivated (funny mix..) to go into detail about the past couple of months, but there are a few things I'd like to touch on in this post, mostly things I've already written about in my journal and will add to this blog. (I have a little book I take everywhere with me to jot down notes, feelings, words, sketches..etc etc) 

Firstly, it is 2014 - happy new year!

I dislike New Years Resolutions but I have made a sort of 'to do' or 'to NOT do' list.. basically some changes that I want to happen in my life:

- get a part time job (just enough money to pay for food and rent and maybe a little on the side for things I care about)

- use my phone/internet less (there's real people to interact with!)

- read more

- do more yoga/stretching

- join a football club

- watch a live football match

- hitch hike more (Ireland??)

- [go skiing (Switzerland??)]

- go couch surfing

- [get a camera]

- busk

- keep learning the ukulele

- perfect acro so that we can perform!

- be more mindful and more generous

- continue writing & experimenting with spoken word, poetry, stories, etc

Wales

I went to Wales with my friend Matt who was doing a canoeing/kayaking course. We stayed with a beautiful woman called Helen, and met some truly wonderful people up there.

I really loved going to Wales, knowing that I would be exploring by myself, but also having no plans. I think it was really good for me to wander. I walked, I chatted to strangers, I took photos of sheep. I sang a lot. I visited castle ruins, I went to vintage shops, community galleries, mountain ranges. It was so refreshing to be outside in the cold and wind and rain. We stayed for longer than intended, extending our time day by day. I feel like I only just scratched the surface - there's so much more to explore up there around Llangollen/Llanberis/Snowdonia and I fully intend to visit again with a pair of hiking boots and a waterproof jacket, and probably a big group of friends.

  

Christmas in Devon

We hitchhiked to Devon, the first proper hitchhiking I've done. We had such a successful day, had four lifts with really interesting people, and made it in just over 6 hours (which is really good time!)

Devon was rainy, cold and muddy. I spent Christmas morning shovelling horse shit and muddy hay into a wheel barrow. I ripped my best skirt and tore the buttons off my vest. A horse bit my nipple and we didn't shower for days.  And I absolutely loved it. It was so nice to see the stars at night, and be surrounded by open space and green fields.

Over Christmas I started thinking about presents, and wants and needs. There wasn't really anything I wanted. Or needed this year. I'm pretty content with life. I was not expecting gifts. And I had no gifts to give either. And that was fine. Enjoyable. We exchanged food, and laughter and presence. And that was enough. (Although, I do tell a lie -  I received a pair of thermal tights and a pair of gloves, both very useable presents which I appreciated a lot!) But it just made me realise how nice it is not to waste anything. I am a bit of a hoarder, and a bit stingy I guess. I keep all the paper and string and ribbon and reuse it. I collect cardboard and paper and bubble wrap. I keep small pieces of twine that don't seem to be of any use. And when I posted some things home to Australia I didn't have to buy anything except stamps. I like that.

Something else I became super aware of was seeing people posting photos of all the gifts they received on Facebook/instagram/social media. Even if it was only posted because they felt spoilt or lucky or wanted to give thanks, I find it unnecessary. Yes, we all like to be spoilt; it is lovely to receive gifts, but its also really nice to just appreciate it without involving everyone on social media. I'm definitely not exempt from this. I've certainly done this before - I know that I overshare too. It's easy to forget that people see these things we post, it does not just disappear into that abyss that is the internet. This year I want to be more aware of that, and just be a bit less public (which seems contradictory since I'm writing a blog to be posted on the internet, which is accessible to all!) But that is something for me to work on!

London

I spent a few days in London over the New Year with my oldest friend Beth and her family. As much fun as I had there, I know that London is not the place for me! Its too rushed, too stressful, too normal! I felt that I had to sort of suppress myself, still be me, but be this different version. It just made me realise that I am truly happy and comfortable in Brighton. I'm not living a lifestyle that is considered normal - finish school, go to uni, get a job…etc etc. BORING! For me. Its just not what I want to be doing. I've found better things, things that test me and challenge me and make me happy in different ways. I'm learning more here than I think I would be if I was studying at a university. I think you should study something that you are interested in. And I'm interested in LIFE, in living! I am studying that. And I might not be getting A-grades, but I'm definitely learning a lot. This works for me. Just like university works for other people. It's all good. I think we need to trust more. Trust each other, trust our decisions. Accept that we are all different. And different things work for different people. Believe that the journey is just as important, if not more important than the destination. And this journey is absolutely amazing. Go with the flow, bro.

It's good to be home. Brighton is home.

Since I've been back…

I've been playing my ukulele; I've been singing, dancing, frolicking in the park; climbing trees; rolling around in the mud; making hummus. My friends from Australia came and stayed for a while. And it was just so nice. I knew it would be good, but it was just even better than I imagined. It was lovely to reminisce. To remember, to laugh. And to do new things. I really enjoyed showing them around Brighton. Having them in my home. It really was a blessing. And I was proud to introduce them to my new friends, and introduce my new friends to them. Because they're all such great people. 

I've been getting involved in some cool projects. 

My friend Tiana had an idea to get photos of naked women doing every day things (cleaning our teeth, climbing a tree, cooking…). Images that show our imperfections, that don't sexualise us. That just show us raw, organic and beautiful as we are. I'm keen to do this. It will be great to love my body, because it isn't perfect. Who even has a perfect body? And who are we to say that one body is better or more beautiful than another? Being different is beautiful. 

Luke and Charlie have been working hard on an amazing project that is really starting to take off, after years of planning and testing and tweaking and changing. (And this process is still going, its ever-changing!) I've been trying to understand Change The Future better. It is consuming them, but in a healthy and inspiring way. Our house is bubbling with ideas, overflowing with people and full of laughter and fun and home cooked food. We're all involved in some way or another, whether we mean to be or not. But its becoming pretty apparent that everyone has something offer. Whether it be coordinating events, helping with fundraising… cooking the dinner! Watch this space, its going to be huge. This IS going to change the future. And it is going to be mind blowing.

I am still pursuing my interests with circus and circus related things. I've been meeting new people who are interested in learning and teaching, and that motivates me to continue following this passion. But I am also doing new things! Experimenting, exploring and believing that I can! I wrote a spoken word piece, my first spoken word piece. Inspired, to an extent, by my housemate Lula, who is amazing with words and performance. Have a look at Lula's spoken word here!

So I'm finishing the blog with my spoken word piece. I have been sitting in the Emporium Cafe round the corner from my house for about four hours now, and am starting to feel a bit fidgety and peckish. Its time to go home and eat. And move around. Maybe do some stretches. And not be starring at a screen! I might even pick up my ukulele. Or continue reading my book. Or sew the patches onto my clothes that I ripped. Until next time. x

I moved to the sea

Where I’m happy and free

Where I can be ME

And I can just BE

Who I want to be, Yes, I can be free.

Not confined, not constrained

Cause that causes me pain

And I must explain,

It might seem mundane, 

But I must regain

Some spark, some spice...something that’s nice

I must find the hunger, while I’m still younger

Let’s be tested, be challenged, be questioned, find balance,

Be pushed, be pulled, be tricked, be fooled

But all the while learning,

And finding that yearning,

I’m feeling that burning,

And now I am turning...

To you... 

For support,

To teach, to be taught

Now I know I might snort,

And my face might contort

And then you will thwart,

What I thought that I knew,

Cause you can see through,

And what will ensue,

Is a brand new world view

I can’t thank you enough

Cause I know that its tough

Explaining that stuff

Without being gruff

But now I am...Chuffed

I’ve opened my eyes,

I’ve removed my disguise,

I’m feeling alive,

And now I can dive...

Into LIFE

Let’s be generous, humorous, glamorous, amorous.

So let us join forces, 

Let us be the sources, 

The one who enforces,

The use of resources

But we must be cautious

We’re insightful,

Not spiteful,

Cause life is delightful

Don’t be evil, harmful, hateful, hurtful

Be joyful, be mindful

We must arrange, to be the change

No firing range, no stock exchange

A mountain range, a corn exchange

So join together,

No matter the weather,

Together we tether,

A life that is BETTER

changes. again. a fresh start. again.

This is what I will do now. I'm making changes in my own way.

On Tuesday I quit my job street fundraising for Greenpeace. It is a good decision, the right decision. My reasons for leaving, though somewhat insignificant as they may seem by them self, all added up, and can result in a seriously shit time. I decided that Greenpeace is something that I really care about and I want to see truly passionate people out on the streets talking to people and raising money. I don’t think I am the right person to do that job, simply because I feel that I’m not able to put in all my effort. The skeptics, the loonies, the snide remarks and the downright rude comments, they all add up. It doesn’t affect some people, but it got to me. This doesn’t necessarily make me weak or sensitive. But it does mean that I’m not able to maintain my positive, motivated and enthusiastic attitude for the whole day. And as time wears on, albeit short, you wake up every day feeling just a little bit less like going to work, you don’t want to listen to that. Damn it, you don’t have to listen to that. And so I thought I should cut and run. I will put my time and effort into doing something where I feel I can truly make a difference. It will definitely involve Greenpeace. I plan on volunteering for our local team. Greenpeace is such a close-nit organisation, full of brave, inspiring, passionate, generous and awesome people, and I want to be part of that. But I don’t want to be paid for it. I want to do it for myself and for the earth. And for my parents and for my children. I want my parents to see change, change that the younger generation has fought for. I want them to see some of what we accomplish, what we achieve, what we protect. They won’t see everything we do. But environmental protection, environmental respect, that is possible. I want my parents to see the Arctic made into a global sanctuary. I want my parents to know that their grandchildren and great grandchildren are going to enjoy a planet free from fracking, oil drilling, unsustainable fishing, animal cruelty, cruelty to each other! The frustrating thing is IT IS possible. It is more than achievable. Let’s do it. 

It’s starts at a local level. You don’t need to be signing up to charities or organisations to make a difference. I’m not saying don’t sign up, because your donations are integral to the functioning of such organisations. But what I am saying is you can make huge changes by getting involved at a local level. Pick up rubbish (yes you might feel silly doing it, people might gawk at you, but just do it!). Sit down next to that homeless guy and have a chat. Don’t ignore him as you walk past, don’t look at him like he’s scum. Because he’s not. And he has a bloody interesting story to tell to someone who genuinely wants to listen. Take that freezing, starving girl out to dinner with you and get to know her. She is actually really funny. Give your spare change to buskers. Buy that Big Issue and read it. Visit your local soup kitchen or animal shelter or the old friend you haven’t seen in months because your life has been too hectic. (Not to be patronising about the busyness of our lives.) But come on, we can do this, we can make time for these moments. They are precious. Precious exchanges, precious hugs, precious conversations, precious memories. I definitely know that some of the people I have met have changed the course of my life. Not always in a dramatic way, but they’ve challenged me, questioned me, got me thinking and questioning myself and my beliefs. They’ve educated me, inspired me, laughed with me. And it has only happened because I’ve been open, and honest. I’ve listened because I’m genuinely interested. I have sat on the freezing concrete and chatted with homeless people. And its hard for them. Even for the short amount of time I was sitting there, I noticed the looks people give you. They are looks of disgust, fear, confusion. Try a smile. It could change someone’s day. And that is my point. Changing the world at a local level can require very little effort. And really we have no excuses for excluding ourselves from this. 

I’ve been questioned about my beliefs and yes, they may seem somewhat idealistic. But I think it’s important to dream big, to truly believe that this is possible. We can change the world. Yes, there is definitely a massive chance of being hugely disappointed and becoming jaded and losing faith in humanity. But don’t take away my enthusiasm and motivation to create change. I feel that I am very much in touch with reality. And I’m definitely aware of how shit things can be, how shit the world can be. And how I’m just a teensy tiny part of the bigger picture. But I think saying that as individuals, we don’t have the power to make change, is an excuse. It’s lazy. Everyone can make change in their own way. I will end this post with a quote that really resonates with me, and I think more people should consider this.

“A person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it” - Chinese Proverb