where my life is at || care work

I go through waves of being insanely busy and then having a lot of spare time. When I'm busy I often get more done - hence why I am now writing another post. Lots has been happening. I feel that every time I write a new post I start by saying that I've been busy and things have been changing - but that's life. So I'll just catch you up on the past month quickly, and then I want to focus more on something close to my heart - my job.

Walking in Lewes

Refreshing

Walking in Lewes

Since last time I wrote I have been to Austria and caught up with an old primary school friend; made new friends and talked about the possibility of setting up a vegan food business; watched new love flourish; made more time for yoga and meditation in my life; been on a very long walk; gone skinny dipping TWICE; started learning how to fix my bikes at Brighton's Circus Street Bike Hub; volunteered at VegFest started Woodcraft Folk again; started trying to set up a local six-a-side competition…just to list a few things.

Skiing in Lech am Arlberg, Austria

Blessed with a beautiful sunset on my first night in Lech

Care Work

Doing care work was not something I ever really considered, but I am so glad I decided to give it a go because it is such a wonderful, fulfilling job. I really couldn't complain about anything, except that the trains seem to be delayed, late or cancelled more often than not! Thankfully the couple I care for are very understanding and it is not such a problem.

My job involves cooking, cleaning, chair pushing, administrative duties, help with shopping, assistance on outings, washing clothes, organising medication. But you know what, that's just the job description. That isn't even half of it. There is laughter, there are cuddles, there is eating, there are outings, there's cheekiness, cups of tea, crude jokes and there's more care than you would think - from all of us. There is friendship. These guys are my friends. And the care and love I feel for them was unexpected. But beautiful. And I am beyond grateful.

There are little things that we do, little things that happen, that remind me how lucky I am to be in their lives. To play a part, to enjoy their happiness, to feel their pain and frustration and help them through it, to try to understand things from their point of view. Its such a blessing.

She and I have girl talks together. And she tells me things that you would tell a best friend. She lets me in on secrets, explains her feelings and things that she is missing out on, or things that she is lucky enough to be part of. (Although I would like to go into detail about these things, I don't feel it is appropriate to divulge anything personal. But you would probably understand the situation more if you were to know.) And her laughter is contagious. Her excitement. And her brain. She has the most incredible memory. She is better than any calendar or diary. I'm blown away. Her positivity and her care is inspirational. (And I don't use that word lightly.)

He and I go into town together. Him in his electric wheelchair, up the hill. Me cycling beside him. Him beeping his horn and flashing his lights. Me ringing my bell. Just like naughty school kids. We're little rebels. His sense of humour is just terrible. I was missing my Dad's jokes; not anymore! They are just the worst, cringe-worthy! And brilliant. The way he laughs when he tells a bad joke, so cheeky. His memory is shocking. Sometimes he can't even remember what he asked me to put on his sandwich! But that is why they work so well together. He calms her down when she gets stressed or anxious. He makes her laugh. And that is why they work so well together.

I am filled with joy when I go to work. I didn't think I would say that about work. There have been times when I've gone to work in a bad mood and come home feeling so happy and refreshed because they make it so enjoyable and remind me that there is no time for being moody when you're surrounded by such happiness! This job is so rewarding. So fulfilling. And there are days where I feel like I  get more out of it than they do.

So thank you guys. For opening my eyes, and including me in your lives. My time with you is precious. I hope to make many more happy memories with you.

Much love x

Seven Months Away From Home

Well, I've been overseas for just over seven months now. Still enjoying it immensely, but starting to miss home. And perhaps appreciate it a bit more. Appreciate unexpected things. I'm really missing familiarity and safety. But its funny what I associate with familiarity and safety.  More than anything I just want to go home and have my Mum cook for me, nothing beats a feast cooked by her. And I want to sit with her on the couch, sewing or stitching or knitting, and watching TV.. Grand Designs, New Tricks, Doc Martin.. (Funnily enough, all English programs!) We don't have a TV in our house here, which is nice. But sometimes it is also nice to just veg out.



I want to go for a walk with my Dad along the creek and to the dam. And I want him to make ridiculous Dad jokes. I want to see that look on his face where we know he's just about to make a joke, his mind is ticking over, checking it. I want to cuddle my nieces and nephews who are growing up faster than I can comprehend. I want to go for a drive along the country roads I know so well. I want to appreciate the mountains that surround my house. I want to hear the thud and beat of hooves as the horses gallop over the hill. I want to sit in the warmth on the grass in my backyard, looking out across the valley, listening to the breeze rustling through the banana leaves. I want to climb the fig tree - something that always takes me back to feeling like a child again.

I want to walk to our workshop and just look. Look at all the things. The shelves of glass bottles and broken toys and dried insects. Bags of clay waiting to be used. Pegs. Colourful pegs. I want to appreciate the handmade birds hanging from the ceiling, gathering dust. They've been there as long as I can remember - twenty years. I used to sit under them in my cot while my Mum painted and engraved. The print hanging on the door. I want to hear the ceiling creaking and cracking as it expands in the heat
in the middle of the day.

I want to hear my neighbour and her dogs walk past to check the cows. I want to smell the jasmine that grows on our fence. I want to go outside and hear nothing. Nothing but life. Birds. Cows. Or nothing. Some days there is complete silence. I want to drive to general store on a Saturday morning and get the newspapers and fresh bread rolls for breakfast..


I want. I want. I want.

I want to appreciate. And I am. And somehow, part of me actually feels it too.


So it's okay. Because today, being here, is so special and comforting and safe and familiar in its own way. And I love it. And I love the people. And I love the food! And I love the unknown. What will happen next?

I love Brighton!

welcome to 2014 - changes, more changes

So I haven't written for a while - life has been pretty hectic. I've been to Wales, Devon and London over Christmas and the New Year, and had a ball. I feel too overwhelmed/motivated (funny mix..) to go into detail about the past couple of months, but there are a few things I'd like to touch on in this post, mostly things I've already written about in my journal and will add to this blog. (I have a little book I take everywhere with me to jot down notes, feelings, words, sketches..etc etc) 

Firstly, it is 2014 - happy new year!

I dislike New Years Resolutions but I have made a sort of 'to do' or 'to NOT do' list.. basically some changes that I want to happen in my life:

- get a part time job (just enough money to pay for food and rent and maybe a little on the side for things I care about)

- use my phone/internet less (there's real people to interact with!)

- read more

- do more yoga/stretching

- join a football club

- watch a live football match

- hitch hike more (Ireland??)

- [go skiing (Switzerland??)]

- go couch surfing

- [get a camera]

- busk

- keep learning the ukulele

- perfect acro so that we can perform!

- be more mindful and more generous

- continue writing & experimenting with spoken word, poetry, stories, etc

Wales

I went to Wales with my friend Matt who was doing a canoeing/kayaking course. We stayed with a beautiful woman called Helen, and met some truly wonderful people up there.

I really loved going to Wales, knowing that I would be exploring by myself, but also having no plans. I think it was really good for me to wander. I walked, I chatted to strangers, I took photos of sheep. I sang a lot. I visited castle ruins, I went to vintage shops, community galleries, mountain ranges. It was so refreshing to be outside in the cold and wind and rain. We stayed for longer than intended, extending our time day by day. I feel like I only just scratched the surface - there's so much more to explore up there around Llangollen/Llanberis/Snowdonia and I fully intend to visit again with a pair of hiking boots and a waterproof jacket, and probably a big group of friends.

  

Christmas in Devon

We hitchhiked to Devon, the first proper hitchhiking I've done. We had such a successful day, had four lifts with really interesting people, and made it in just over 6 hours (which is really good time!)

Devon was rainy, cold and muddy. I spent Christmas morning shovelling horse shit and muddy hay into a wheel barrow. I ripped my best skirt and tore the buttons off my vest. A horse bit my nipple and we didn't shower for days.  And I absolutely loved it. It was so nice to see the stars at night, and be surrounded by open space and green fields.

Over Christmas I started thinking about presents, and wants and needs. There wasn't really anything I wanted. Or needed this year. I'm pretty content with life. I was not expecting gifts. And I had no gifts to give either. And that was fine. Enjoyable. We exchanged food, and laughter and presence. And that was enough. (Although, I do tell a lie -  I received a pair of thermal tights and a pair of gloves, both very useable presents which I appreciated a lot!) But it just made me realise how nice it is not to waste anything. I am a bit of a hoarder, and a bit stingy I guess. I keep all the paper and string and ribbon and reuse it. I collect cardboard and paper and bubble wrap. I keep small pieces of twine that don't seem to be of any use. And when I posted some things home to Australia I didn't have to buy anything except stamps. I like that.

Something else I became super aware of was seeing people posting photos of all the gifts they received on Facebook/instagram/social media. Even if it was only posted because they felt spoilt or lucky or wanted to give thanks, I find it unnecessary. Yes, we all like to be spoilt; it is lovely to receive gifts, but its also really nice to just appreciate it without involving everyone on social media. I'm definitely not exempt from this. I've certainly done this before - I know that I overshare too. It's easy to forget that people see these things we post, it does not just disappear into that abyss that is the internet. This year I want to be more aware of that, and just be a bit less public (which seems contradictory since I'm writing a blog to be posted on the internet, which is accessible to all!) But that is something for me to work on!

London

I spent a few days in London over the New Year with my oldest friend Beth and her family. As much fun as I had there, I know that London is not the place for me! Its too rushed, too stressful, too normal! I felt that I had to sort of suppress myself, still be me, but be this different version. It just made me realise that I am truly happy and comfortable in Brighton. I'm not living a lifestyle that is considered normal - finish school, go to uni, get a job…etc etc. BORING! For me. Its just not what I want to be doing. I've found better things, things that test me and challenge me and make me happy in different ways. I'm learning more here than I think I would be if I was studying at a university. I think you should study something that you are interested in. And I'm interested in LIFE, in living! I am studying that. And I might not be getting A-grades, but I'm definitely learning a lot. This works for me. Just like university works for other people. It's all good. I think we need to trust more. Trust each other, trust our decisions. Accept that we are all different. And different things work for different people. Believe that the journey is just as important, if not more important than the destination. And this journey is absolutely amazing. Go with the flow, bro.

It's good to be home. Brighton is home.

Since I've been back…

I've been playing my ukulele; I've been singing, dancing, frolicking in the park; climbing trees; rolling around in the mud; making hummus. My friends from Australia came and stayed for a while. And it was just so nice. I knew it would be good, but it was just even better than I imagined. It was lovely to reminisce. To remember, to laugh. And to do new things. I really enjoyed showing them around Brighton. Having them in my home. It really was a blessing. And I was proud to introduce them to my new friends, and introduce my new friends to them. Because they're all such great people. 

I've been getting involved in some cool projects. 

My friend Tiana had an idea to get photos of naked women doing every day things (cleaning our teeth, climbing a tree, cooking…). Images that show our imperfections, that don't sexualise us. That just show us raw, organic and beautiful as we are. I'm keen to do this. It will be great to love my body, because it isn't perfect. Who even has a perfect body? And who are we to say that one body is better or more beautiful than another? Being different is beautiful. 

Luke and Charlie have been working hard on an amazing project that is really starting to take off, after years of planning and testing and tweaking and changing. (And this process is still going, its ever-changing!) I've been trying to understand Change The Future better. It is consuming them, but in a healthy and inspiring way. Our house is bubbling with ideas, overflowing with people and full of laughter and fun and home cooked food. We're all involved in some way or another, whether we mean to be or not. But its becoming pretty apparent that everyone has something offer. Whether it be coordinating events, helping with fundraising… cooking the dinner! Watch this space, its going to be huge. This IS going to change the future. And it is going to be mind blowing.

I am still pursuing my interests with circus and circus related things. I've been meeting new people who are interested in learning and teaching, and that motivates me to continue following this passion. But I am also doing new things! Experimenting, exploring and believing that I can! I wrote a spoken word piece, my first spoken word piece. Inspired, to an extent, by my housemate Lula, who is amazing with words and performance. Have a look at Lula's spoken word here!

So I'm finishing the blog with my spoken word piece. I have been sitting in the Emporium Cafe round the corner from my house for about four hours now, and am starting to feel a bit fidgety and peckish. Its time to go home and eat. And move around. Maybe do some stretches. And not be starring at a screen! I might even pick up my ukulele. Or continue reading my book. Or sew the patches onto my clothes that I ripped. Until next time. x

I moved to the sea

Where I’m happy and free

Where I can be ME

And I can just BE

Who I want to be, Yes, I can be free.

Not confined, not constrained

Cause that causes me pain

And I must explain,

It might seem mundane, 

But I must regain

Some spark, some spice...something that’s nice

I must find the hunger, while I’m still younger

Let’s be tested, be challenged, be questioned, find balance,

Be pushed, be pulled, be tricked, be fooled

But all the while learning,

And finding that yearning,

I’m feeling that burning,

And now I am turning...

To you... 

For support,

To teach, to be taught

Now I know I might snort,

And my face might contort

And then you will thwart,

What I thought that I knew,

Cause you can see through,

And what will ensue,

Is a brand new world view

I can’t thank you enough

Cause I know that its tough

Explaining that stuff

Without being gruff

But now I am...Chuffed

I’ve opened my eyes,

I’ve removed my disguise,

I’m feeling alive,

And now I can dive...

Into LIFE

Let’s be generous, humorous, glamorous, amorous.

So let us join forces, 

Let us be the sources, 

The one who enforces,

The use of resources

But we must be cautious

We’re insightful,

Not spiteful,

Cause life is delightful

Don’t be evil, harmful, hateful, hurtful

Be joyful, be mindful

We must arrange, to be the change

No firing range, no stock exchange

A mountain range, a corn exchange

So join together,

No matter the weather,

Together we tether,

A life that is BETTER

changes. again. a fresh start. again.

This is what I will do now. I'm making changes in my own way.

On Tuesday I quit my job street fundraising for Greenpeace. It is a good decision, the right decision. My reasons for leaving, though somewhat insignificant as they may seem by them self, all added up, and can result in a seriously shit time. I decided that Greenpeace is something that I really care about and I want to see truly passionate people out on the streets talking to people and raising money. I don’t think I am the right person to do that job, simply because I feel that I’m not able to put in all my effort. The skeptics, the loonies, the snide remarks and the downright rude comments, they all add up. It doesn’t affect some people, but it got to me. This doesn’t necessarily make me weak or sensitive. But it does mean that I’m not able to maintain my positive, motivated and enthusiastic attitude for the whole day. And as time wears on, albeit short, you wake up every day feeling just a little bit less like going to work, you don’t want to listen to that. Damn it, you don’t have to listen to that. And so I thought I should cut and run. I will put my time and effort into doing something where I feel I can truly make a difference. It will definitely involve Greenpeace. I plan on volunteering for our local team. Greenpeace is such a close-nit organisation, full of brave, inspiring, passionate, generous and awesome people, and I want to be part of that. But I don’t want to be paid for it. I want to do it for myself and for the earth. And for my parents and for my children. I want my parents to see change, change that the younger generation has fought for. I want them to see some of what we accomplish, what we achieve, what we protect. They won’t see everything we do. But environmental protection, environmental respect, that is possible. I want my parents to see the Arctic made into a global sanctuary. I want my parents to know that their grandchildren and great grandchildren are going to enjoy a planet free from fracking, oil drilling, unsustainable fishing, animal cruelty, cruelty to each other! The frustrating thing is IT IS possible. It is more than achievable. Let’s do it. 

It’s starts at a local level. You don’t need to be signing up to charities or organisations to make a difference. I’m not saying don’t sign up, because your donations are integral to the functioning of such organisations. But what I am saying is you can make huge changes by getting involved at a local level. Pick up rubbish (yes you might feel silly doing it, people might gawk at you, but just do it!). Sit down next to that homeless guy and have a chat. Don’t ignore him as you walk past, don’t look at him like he’s scum. Because he’s not. And he has a bloody interesting story to tell to someone who genuinely wants to listen. Take that freezing, starving girl out to dinner with you and get to know her. She is actually really funny. Give your spare change to buskers. Buy that Big Issue and read it. Visit your local soup kitchen or animal shelter or the old friend you haven’t seen in months because your life has been too hectic. (Not to be patronising about the busyness of our lives.) But come on, we can do this, we can make time for these moments. They are precious. Precious exchanges, precious hugs, precious conversations, precious memories. I definitely know that some of the people I have met have changed the course of my life. Not always in a dramatic way, but they’ve challenged me, questioned me, got me thinking and questioning myself and my beliefs. They’ve educated me, inspired me, laughed with me. And it has only happened because I’ve been open, and honest. I’ve listened because I’m genuinely interested. I have sat on the freezing concrete and chatted with homeless people. And its hard for them. Even for the short amount of time I was sitting there, I noticed the looks people give you. They are looks of disgust, fear, confusion. Try a smile. It could change someone’s day. And that is my point. Changing the world at a local level can require very little effort. And really we have no excuses for excluding ourselves from this. 

I’ve been questioned about my beliefs and yes, they may seem somewhat idealistic. But I think it’s important to dream big, to truly believe that this is possible. We can change the world. Yes, there is definitely a massive chance of being hugely disappointed and becoming jaded and losing faith in humanity. But don’t take away my enthusiasm and motivation to create change. I feel that I am very much in touch with reality. And I’m definitely aware of how shit things can be, how shit the world can be. And how I’m just a teensy tiny part of the bigger picture. But I think saying that as individuals, we don’t have the power to make change, is an excuse. It’s lazy. Everyone can make change in their own way. I will end this post with a quote that really resonates with me, and I think more people should consider this.

“A person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it” - Chinese Proverb

i had a birthday. my 20th in the UK.

Some words that resonate with me at the moment.

Thursday 14th November was my 20th Birthday. I could not have asked for a better day of celebrations, with better people. It blows me away how much people accept you into their lives and make you feel so at home and comfortable in their groups. I've only been here about a month, but it is just insane, I feel like I've been here forever. I feel like all the people I'm meeting are my oldest and closest friends. A closeness where we are so comfortable around each other, no awkward silences, no awkward moments, just a feeling of home. Even people I've only met a couple of times have become such close friends, and we share such solid bonds. It really is the most fantastic and surreal thing. The effort my friends put in to make my day special was just mind blowing. 

Luke & Lula got up and cooked me a fantastic breakfast and gave me the performance of a lifetime, with costumes and singing and dancing. (It involved material and hats and cotton wool in their noses.. as well as a terrible song about how children are conceived..)

I see Noah Taylor (one of my favourite Aussie actors) at Brighton Train Station every morning when I'm on my way to work. He walks his wife to the train every day. The first time I saw him I decided I wouldn't interrupt them, but I was excited to have seen him. Then the next day I saw him again and spoke to him, complimented him on his work, and asked for a photo, which he refused. So it was quite embarrassing! And my Greenpeace team (who watched me get rejected) have been making fun of me ever since! But for my birthday my leader from Greenpeace got Noah Taylor to sign a card for me. Such a special thing!  We wondered if he would've refused knowing it was for me!

My team at Greenpeace made sure I had a good day full of laughs and fun, even though we were working. But hey, that's what they do every day! Saving the world, one sign up at a time!

My darling friend Annie wrote me the beautiful song for my birthday. Brought tears to my eyes it did. I feel that this is a real representation of what people are like here. I only met Annie once. She & Tildy stayed with us for the weekend. But we got along really well and now she's written me a song. And I think that is just so incredibly special. (Just to explain the clitoris part - I'm not sure how we got onto this, but it ended with us googling facts about the clitoris..)

My new friend Joel, the carpenter, made me a beautiful wooden box with my name carved into it, perfect to keep my small collection of jewellery in. I met Joel Rock Climbing a few weeks back and every time I went back he was always there. So we took it as a sign that we should probably be friends. And now we are.

My Dad continued the birthday tradition of writing limericks and wrote one for me. 

"There was a young lady called Grace

Who left so we'd have some more space

But it's still pretty tough

Cause she left all her stuff

And chucking it, we just can't face"

My Mum painted a picture of a magnolia flower, from the tree that was planted for me 20 years ago. She told me that there was only the one flower in bloom to paint. Such a special gift to receive in the mail. It is now hanging on my wall  next to my bed, reminding me of home.

My housemate Momo got me flowers, bright orange and pink roses, which I love. There's something about flowers that just brighten the mood, and make the house an even warmer and homely place. She also made me a bag of goodies including incense, a scarf, chocolate and an elephant keyring. [Momo, I love that we're forming a friendship, as well as just being housemates. I'm so grateful to be able to have girly chats with you.]

Kate, such a gorgeous, bubbly human. Knowing how much I love Felix from the Cat Empire, (we both went to see the Cat Empire at the O2 Academy in Brixton a few weeks back) she got a mug made for me with Felix's thoughts on it - "Wow, Grace Stewart is amazing..." She handed it to me saying "here, have the worst wrapped present in history". It might have been badly wrapped, but man, what a fantastic gift. And perfect for me drink the tea that Alice and Ezra got me. So today I sat down with a hot cup of tea, and ate some toast with homemade marmalade (also from Alice and Ezra). What a delicious combination.

My fabulous friend Justine got me an owl brooch, which I thought was just a HOOT! And it goes perfectly on my beautiful scarf from my Aunt Jenny and cousin Chloe back in Sydney! 

My darling Jem (who is a chef!) made me a vegan apple and cinnamon cake. Not just any apple and cinnamon cake. The most fantastic, delicious birthday cake I could hope for. Not too sweet, just right. When someone makes food to share, it tastes better - you really can taste the love.

Now you might think I've just listed a bunch of presents people have got for me, and that is very materialistic of me. But that is not the way it is intended. I wanted to say a big, huge, monstrous thank you for the effort put into these gifts. Because thought went into them. They're not just things. They mean something to me. And the point I'm trying to make is that the group I've become part of is so genuine, so caring and so real. Everyone exists as they are. No one is trying to be someone they're not. No one is hiding anything. Everyone is totally raw and comfortable in themselves, and as a result, everyone really knows each other. So when it comes to giving a gift, it is special because we know each other, and we know what we like and what we will appreciate. Everything that I was given was so heartfelt. And I think what surprises me most about that is that I have only been here a month. These relationships have been formed in such a short time, because we trust each other. I have learnt to trust a lot more. To be myself. To be comfortable in my own skin. To not worry about what others think. Because this group I'm part of, they don't care what others think. They think for themselves. And they can see the truth. And that is something that amazes me every day.

To my friends and family, new and old,

thank you, so so much!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

quietly. changes. realisation. appreciation.

This feels particularly relevant to me at present.

I have been super busy lately, but found some time whilst on the train on Thursday to write a bit.

I'm on the train to Southhampton for work. Currently have the time to collect my thoughts and reflect upon the last week or so, which has been hectic. Many things have happened, and many emotions have been felt. I've had my first week working for Greenpeace - a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally. It is hard work, but all very rewarding. I've met some truly inspiring people who restore my faith in this world and its future. But there have also been things that sadden me and dishearten me. I guess those things just teach you to preserve and keep on keeping on. This past week has been so busy I feel like I have not even had time to think. Its been good, but I'm not sure how long I can sustain this busy life style. Obviously we're still settling in to the demands of the job and balancing it with social and everyday life. Lack of sleep has been a struggle this week. There's too many interesting things going on and I don't want to miss out. We'll see if I stay working for Greenpeace... The hours might be too demanding. After all, I am here to live and work, and I intend to do plenty of living. I'll put all my effort into this job while I'm here, but I'm not opposed to looking for other work!

Last night I did an interview with my friend Alice for a study on health and well being, which basically involved me telling a (reasonably, but not really) brief account of my life so far. It took roughly 2 hours, with some questions at the end. I was honest, and it was quite emotional. It is really hard to talk about yourself, and we got into some pretty in deep stuff. Actually saying some of your thoughts out loud can be strange . I think it was a really good thing to do though. Putting my thoughts into words was hard at times, but a good exercise for my mind - a challenge. I opened up about many things I feel have shaped me as a person, but of course this process of learning and growing is ongoing. We never stop - people are ever-changing. And at times I still have no clue who I am and what I'm doing on this earth.

Today, Sunday 10th November. I woke and showered which helped to cleanse my mind a bit. I spent the morning catching up on things that needed doing - emails, sorting things out, cleaning, washing my clothes, etc. Quite therapeutic completing normal household tasks like that. I skyped with my parents - always an enjoyable time. I also skyped with my best friend Archie, who I haven't seen in months! My housemates and I walked to the beach and sat in the sun for a while. We observed the tourists taking photos on their iPads and tablets and smartphones. Technology is a strange thing.

Momo and I went to Foodilic in town where we had and all-you-can-eat 'snack'. I went to the oxfam shop and picked up a winter jacket, which is quite warm and cosy. Met up with some friends. Drank some hot chocolate. Went bin raiding. Came home. Watched Samsara, a beautiful and powerful and very disturbing documentary - a collection of images and scenes, with no dialogue, just music. It should be watched rather than explained. I want everyone to watch it.

I am very tired and need to sleep now. My body is tired from rock climbing on Saturday, and my mind if tired from thinking about life. There are many other things I wish to speak about, to post on this blog, but my eyes are flickering. Sleep is calling. And Jem has just turned up, sweaty and breathless from cycling. x

Coming to the realisation that this is my home now. Feeling pleasant.

I went to the movies with Faezeh and we saw Blue Jasmine. There was so much laughter. Such cherished moments.

Meet Len. I met him on the street while I was fundraising. We had a lovely conversation & he was very well read & educated on all current affairs including the situation with the Arctic 30. Then, on my lunch break we ended up sitting at the same table because there were no seats. He told me all about his views about the world, what needs to be done & how he'd go about it. This remarkable man is 97 & it was an honour to be able to speak with him. So blessed to have the opportunity to do this through my job!

i'm settled. fortunate. content. ready.

part one:

so it's been 10 days. gosh, only 10 days! i've been busy. i moved out of the hostel and into the house, which is very exciting. i got a mattress for £10 from a place called Shabitat (aka Magpie Recycling) on Lewes Road. i got a duvet, a pillow & some sheets, and i treated myself to a nice blanket made from recycled plastic fibres, sounds uncomfortable but it is so amazingly snuggly and warm. i've been to job trials and interviews. and i have been successful. i have got a job working as a street fundraiser for greenpeace uk. i have training in London next wednesday, and then it is a monday to friday job in and around brighton. this is exciting and a little bit daunting for me. but i'm happy. 

i went to London and saw the cat empire play at the o2 academy, brixton, with my housemate ren. they were amazing, and it was really lovely to see them perform with ren, who loves their music as much as i do. we talked about it on the train home early the next morning, all its elements, what makes it great, their obvious passion for song writing and performance. the energy they have on the stage. the light show and all the work that goes into making the performance what it is: spectacular! it makes me miss my brother a bit. i always think of him when i hear the cat empire playing live. such exciting memories of those performances we went to together. i'm sure we will go to some more in the future..

circus - and a deeper understanding of life. i met faezeh through jem, a friend of luke's. we played around in the pavillion gardens last week, doing some acro & various other circusy things. then we attended a circus class together last friday. we caught the bus and walked to this plain old brick church in a sort of industrial area - and then inside it was crammed with mats, trampolines, gymnastics equipment... i discovered that my handstand is all wrong - my shape is terrible. my muscles are not strong enough and i am not balanced. and that is fine, good even. i have something to really work towards. practice practice practice. the other students in the class were amazing. just average people, they didn't look exceptionally fit or flexible at first glance, but they were incredible. i would've been quite happy to sit there and watch. i almost didn't want to try anything! but i will get my fitness up and one day i will feel that we are at the same level. i have to look at it as a goal. i feel like the more i realise that there are things i cant do, the more i want to give them a go, and learn and practice and succeed, or fail, but at least experience them. i think that is probably a dang good thing really. i think that is becoming my goal for every aspect of my life. jobs. food. circus. map reading! i just have to put myself out there, and it will pay off - i am already seeing that. i also think it is a bit easier because i am feeling content, being in such an accepting and supportive group of people... it is very natural. everything is natural. natural. its a word that keeps popping up in everything i think about, or examine or analyse. the people i am around are natural. i'm in a place where being natural is accepted, encouraged. 

sometimes i do feel very young, and naive, and inexperienced. i am young. sometimes i feel like a fraud, like the words i say or the way i live my life isn't real or true. but that is because i am not 100% totally sure about myself, and my views and opinions. and i might never be. i mean, who am i? who the hell am i? there will always be doubts. i am living with people who are older and have had such interesting and soulful experiences and adventures. i have to keep reminding myself that when i am their age, i will be able to look back on this period of my life in the same way they describe their early 20s to me. it is a scary and brilliant time, with lots of exploring. every day i am challenged - i think about the world, i think about myself, and what i am doing in this world. and what i can do, and should do, and will do. my obligations, my responsibilities. my wants. my needs. things i'm greedy about. things i don't take enough notice of. things i care about too much. my priorities. my decisions. my choices. things i've missed out on. things i regret. things i plan to do. there is a lot to think about. 

i am in a hugely uncertain time in my life. and that is good. i am enjoying the uncertainty, because although it is uncertain, it is still safe. it is uncertain on my terms. i have the power to make it anything i want it to be. i have been reading about the greenpeace activists who are currently incarcerated in a russian prison on hooliganism charges (just down graded from piracy), and they are facing 7 years behind bars. now that is uncertainty. and it is certainly not on their terms. they can fight, and they will, but it is not their decision. and that is scary. i feel comfort knowing that i am in control. and that makes me want to help. i have power. i have a voice. i am in control. i can and will make mistakes, but what kind of mistakes will they be..?

part two:

some words that sum up my life right now:

natural - everything is okay, its organic, there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about

nourishing - the food, the people, the conversation, the atmosphere

free - i am holding my world in my hands, and i can do anything with it

educational - but just in the sense that everything is new and i am learning and changing and opening my eyes, and having my eyes opened by others, i am understanding, and seeing things from different perspectives. and i am open to this, finally!

real - this is not a dream, it is real, this is life and life is what you make it, and i am doing my best to make it beautiful and worthwhile 
fortunate - im so blessed, so lucky to be where i am. thank you to my family, my friends, a higher power?
content - on seeing/hearing that i am content my 'sister' said that it is "the best - happiness comes and goes, but contentment is a deeper 'good' feeling". she is right. i am content, right this moment. i am feeling quite neutral. neither happy nor sad. just content.

part three:

some words from my first night in the house.

Today I (officially) moved out of the hostel and into the share house I have been raving on about. It is quiet. Not sound quiet, but people quiet - movement quiet. There’s always noise and rhythm and singing and rapping coming from Ren’s room next door to mine, but it is sort of private, contained. Whereas at the hostel, even if no one else is around, it feels full, which it is. It’s not to say that it is a let down, or that I am unhappy being in the house, because that is certainly not the case. It was just the first time that I have been alone, just with my thoughts, in a couple of weeks. I got my stuff into the room, it was in a pile on the floor. And then, I just sat there for a good 20 minutes, not really thinking about anything in particular. But I couldn’t help but feel sadness. Its like taking a big deep breath when you haven’t taken one for a while. It is refreshing. I sat thinking about how the past couple of weeks have flown by. I cannot believe how quickly I adapted to life in the hostel, how friendships were cemented in those first few days, and how much I will miss being there, despite it being cramped, despite there being very little privacy. And now, here is another huge change. And its crazy really, when you think about it. But it feels good. It feels great. It is exciting and scary and unbelievable. 

My faith in people, in human kind has really been restored. People are beautiful and kind. They care. They trust. You know that a hug can say so much. And the people I have been meeting give good hugs. My brother has a certain way of hugging where you can just sink and feel totally comfortable and safe and lose track of all your thoughts. His hug is a special kind of hug. And then I met 2 people in particular here, who give that same kind of hug. Not exactly the same - but it felt like home. There is this touch of their hands where you just feel accepted and comfortable. It is beyond words - I cannot express it in words. It is a feeling. It puts a smile on my face. It is nice to have an arm around your shoulder...

part four:

Lastly I have written my impressions of everyone I have met so far - I do not intend to publish them without their permission. But here is one for you Pedro, thank you!

I was blessed to meet Pedro Ventura (yes that is his name). He took me to buy a towel on my first day at the hostel. I was an emotional wreck - I could not speak as I would cry. But he took me out. And I got my towel. And we got coffee. And we chatted. We talked about politics and how terrible they can be. We talked about education, and compared the systems in Australia and Portugal. We talked about rich people, and how money is such a waste. And you wouldn’t think we would have a conversation like that, because there is rarely a serious moment with Pedro now. His laugh is truly contagious. And usually whatever bollocks is coming out of his mouth is hilarious, there is always giggles and laughs with Pedro because he is “the best”..

i am very much enjoying writing again. i used to love writing, and then i lost it for a while. words are fascinating. putting a sentence together is thrilling. making a point, explaining something. telling a story. describing, documenting. i love it. thank you for reading. 

an update.

FIRSTLY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMA BEAR!

Missing you! I love you! xxxxxxxx

So many things have happened in the last couple of weeks - in fact, it has not even been two weeks yet. I have been very busy, which is lovely. I went and saw San Cisco play at The Haunt the other night, with a lovely girl from Western Australia who is staying at the hostel. I went to a gay bar for the first time. Hung out at a place called Cranks which is a volunteer run, DIY bicycle repair place. Got lost a few times. I have been applying for jobs, and have a trial next week at a little cafe. I am currently in the process of moving into an awesome share house with the most fantastic, welcoming and beautiful group of people.  I feel like I have been here, living in Brighton, for months. I have friends who I feel like I've known for ages, both at the hostel I've been living in, and in the house I'm about to move into. I feel so blessed to have met these people. 

I'm so happy to be moving into this house! Yesterday we sat together, on the floor, eating home made pancakes for breakfast, and organised everything. It is so wonderful to be surrounded by people with the same ideas and views as me. We're getting a compost bin, we would like to sit down and have a meal together at least once a week, we want to use environmentally friendly cleaning products, we want to use less power, support local farmers, bulk buy vegie boxes... Things that I have been brought up doing. It is so nice to be around people who understand that this is the norm, and it isn't as hard as you think. In fact, it isn't really that hard at all. 

We spent the day charity shopping and searching the local street markets for cutlery and mugs and various other house related things. These guys are serious bargain hunters. I've got a lot to learn. It is a bit difficult not having a car.. it makes it hard to transport things. Yesterday we had to get a taxi to move a desk, clothes rack, garbage bin, book shelf and a basket full of my clothes and a toaster back to the house... But the house is close so at least the cost isn't too much of an issue.. I'm looking forward to decorating my room - I have acquired a collection of postcards from around the world on my travels. A bit of blue tack and we're sorted. I'm still trying to find a mattress, a duvet, blankets, pillows...etc. But I am still in the hostel for a few days so I'm not sleeping on the floor just yet... 

It is all very exciting. And funny. There has been lots of laughter along the way. Funny things have happened, embarrassing things have happened. And it has been really nice to share these moments, and laugh together. From having stacks on bikes, to being rejected when offering to share my umbrella with someone, to being almost attacked by a dog in a busy cafe. 

Without sounding lame or fake or like I am bragging, I really am feeling so lucky every day. I am lucky to have met the guys in the park. I'm lucky they asked me to move in with them. I'm lucky to have been introduced to their friends. I'm lucky to have met the people at hostel and formed such close relationships with them so quickly. I'm lucky to be able to talk with my family even though they're so far away. And, I am so bloody lucky to be alive and living in this world.

San Cisco